Sunday, May 30, 2010

Always half full

Life is definitely what you make of it. Nothing more, and nothing less. I thought about this as I went to the beach and tried to make the best of things. I didn't necessarily like every person there, or even know every person for that matter. BUT I looked forward to getting my tan on (yeah, it's slightly impressive =D) and meeting new people. By doing that, I had a pretty fun time. A few other people who went, on the other hand, did the exact opposite. They weren't excited for the plans at all, and they already assumed it was going to be terrible. So then, of course their experiences weren't all that great. I think that I've gotten better in trying new stuff and being so pessimistic. I'm just ecstatic at the thought of going to college, and experiencing a million and one different things. I can't imagine people who would think otherwise. I think those four years of your life are the perfect opportunity to truly define yourself, and perhaps delve deeper and discover things you previously didn't know. I definitely have to look at this from a positive perspective, or I'm just going to find myself constantly sinking into this pit of self-pity.

I remember that a couple of months ago, I was seeing only the negative in everything that happened. Sure, there were a couple of things just mounting up on me, but I could've made the best of it. Instead, I let my troubles and worries get to me and I resorted to cutting myself. I guess I thought that it would help dull the pain of everything else going on, which it actually did, but I'm disappointed in myself for letting it get so far. Sometimes, I'll look down at my wrist and still see the remnants of how I felt at that exact moment. And the only thing I can say from it is that nothing's worse than making yourself miserable. I just want to be happy, but I have to realize that only I can do that. When aspects of my life seem to go wrong, I have to think there are better moments ahead. I just hope I can keep this ideal going, since I do tend to change moods fairly quickly. But I really think I have learned a bit more about the influence of perspective.

This actually reminds me of a Demetri Martin joke, in which he talks about "the glass". For optimists, the glass is half full. For pessimists, half empty. But shouldn't we be worried about the contents of said glass? I mean, if it's shit, and I'm an optimist, I'm definitely thinking that's half empty. And baby blood?? That's even more complicated. Is that coming from a baby or to a baby? If it's to a baby, then we got a half full glass of baby blood. If it's from, then well, at least it's half empty.

That last paragraph was completely irrelevant, but that joke still makes me laugh. So when people have some reason to mention that lame metaphor or saying, I can always smile. =)

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Memoirs of a Loser

I'm home on a Saturday night. This is the first time in a while that it's been like that, and I actually kinda enjoy it. Sometimes, I think I just want to spend a night in, eat my own weight in junk food, and not have to attempt to look good (since my mother tells me I'm beautiful as I am... even in Hello Kitty pajama pants and with oily hair) really. So as I watch random things on Collegehumor and eat chocolate covered pretzels while getting brown stains all over my laptop to respond to people on AIM, I can think of no better way to waste my life than writing a post! Especially one pertaining to things I absolutely detest.

Things I'm Sick of:

People thrusting their own problems onto you. Now I generally don't mind if someone wants to talk me about their problems. If anything, that's exactly what a friend does. BUT what I can't stand is someone who just makes you feel miserable because he/she's miserable. This involves insulting the person who's just trying to be nice to you, incessantly whining, and killing the entire conversation in three words. I try to console the best that I can, but if that person is just going to be upset the entire time and basically ignore anything I do to help, then he/she shouldn't try bothering others with how shitty and terrible life is.

Chocolate. Oh, why must you taste so good? You make my thighs enormous and my belly gigantic. This relationship isn't working out.

Laggy Phones. It takes approximately four minutes for my phone to turn on after I press the button. It also takes two minutes to open up a text message I receive, and four minutes for any web page I would want to look up. ALSO, it doesn't even relay half the phone calls I make. So, the one basic use this "smart" phone should have, isn't even functional. That means if I ever am in a position in which I need to call 911, it might not even go through. Death by phone.... sounds pretty terrible to me.

On a side note, lobsters lead shit lives. I mean, yeah, people eat cows, pigs, and chickens as well, but none of them boil to death. I'm surprised PETA hasn't gotten on this yet lol. I think humans are programmed to think that a lobster won't taste good... UNLESS they put it in a pot of scalding water and wait for them to die, and then proceed to eat the carcass. Hahaha, just a little food for thought. =)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

So I think I've been a little pessimistic lately, and the whole "like this status if you want me to tell you one nice thing about you" ordeal actually made me happier than anything else. It reminded me why I love the people in my life, and how influential they've been. I need to stop being so angry over the smallest little things.BUT IT'S JUST SO HARD!

You know when you make one little mistake, or someone says something that probably doesn't mean much, and yet you still dwell on it for weeks? Yeah, that happens about everything with me. Hahah, it's just annoying when all I want to do is go to sleep and I can think about that possible doubled-sided comment from a certain someone. What once didn't seem too big of a deal now appears as a full shit storm in my mind. Does that happen to anyone else? I would like to think I'm not the only one constantly blowing things out of proportion. Otherwise, I'm definitely insane. Actually, I already knew that.

Graduation is still upon us! And I for one am ridiculously excited. What I'm not excited for, however, are the finals I have to take. *sigh* Senioritis has bitten me in the butt and left a mark... I have to take all of my finals except for AP Euro, Orchestra, Gym, and Lunch. Do the last three even count? Anyways, that leaves my AP Bio, AP Calc BC, AP Lit, and Honors Italian. Someone stab me, except preferably in a way in which I'm left in the hospital for only two weeks, so I can actually make it to graduation. Any takers?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Some regrets?

Looking back on this year, I can't say I really enjoyed my senior year. It feels like I just really want to move on from everything. Nothing feels resolved, and I have this sense of incompletion leaving high school. And that's probably because of a few things...

"Drama" I honestly hate that word. It seems like girls use that word to describe their lives almost every single day. I would like to think I don't create drama or am not a part of it, but that would be a blatant lie. Tons of people hate me, or I'm just paranoid. I think it's a little bit of both, with mostly the people hating me. Granted, I do things for people to hate me, but sometimes I think it's unwarranted. I can't even begin to describe the numbers of problems I've had with friendships. I guess the biggest problem is selfishness. I want to cut out of my life people who do things without the consideration of others. I would like to think that I'm a pretty caring friend. Even when I don't want to, I hang out with people because they took the time to invite me out and make plans to a place. I try to make sure my friends feel included, and I in turn do things for them like planning events so that we can all be together. I think someone is disrespectful if they either never acknowledge the effort one puts in to maintain a friendship, or just does things that appear friendly for a secondary reason, one that is often for personal gain. I'm just trying to get through these last twenty-something days of school with my sanity. I lost a lost of people I used to be close with, but I just think that at this point, we're all just trying to reach the end. I mean, after high school, we're all going off to various places around the country. There's no need to start something when there's absolutely no point. So obviously I have unresolved issues with people, but I guess I can cope with it.

Never had a relationship. Yes, really. Is that not slightly sad?? Oh my goodness, I don't know how I managed to go four years in high school with absolutely nothing. It's official. I am undateable =0 I don't know what it is, but I must give off a pheromone that makes me instantly unattractive. Or maybe I'm just unattractive overall. The mystery shall go on!

Regret. I've either said things I don't mean, or never said the things I mean. I didn't tell the people who hurt me just how much pain I felt, or remind the ones I care about that I appreciate them so much. I really need to be more vocal about things, but I guess I'm always too afraid of people's reactions? Haha, look at me sounding like a little schoolgirl. But so yeah, I want to be able to tell someone randomly that he or she has made a significant impact on my life, and that I can imagine life without him/her. It'll probably sound creepy, but sometimes I think my words get the best of me and I don't properly articulate how I actually think of someone. Wow, this all sounds really retarded. I think I'm going to end this post soon. Hahaha, but again, hopefully this one wasn't all too boring =)

Sunday, May 23, 2010

An epic fail

Right now I'm finally wrapping up the last few paragraphs of my five page research paper, and I'll admit it. I pretty much just copy and pasted half my paper from wikipedia and various other sites. Am I ashamed of what I did? Hmm, not really. I doubt the teacher will be able to grade these papers before the fourth marking period ends, especially since it took him roughly for months to grade our last ones. We have yet to receive our literary criticisms from about two months ago as well. I take pride in my ability to read Wikipedia and use Ctrl + C! If anyone else has a problem with my work being unoriginal, then he obviously takes a high school english class a bit too seriously ;)

I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the road. We're all in the last stretch at this point. Sure, I have those pesky finals and a bio lab report in the next couple of weeks, but I can't be bothered with such boring tasks! Instead, I think I'll go ahead and look forward to prom and all of that goodness. Oh, and then there are those Academic Recognition Nights, which are pretty lame but have a pretty nice dessert table. Hahaha, seriously, who doesn't like the cookies the school sends during lunch? I'm pretty sure I'm either receiving it for music and the national merit thing, or just the merit one. I wouldn't be surprised since my Orchestra teacher is a jerky mcjerkpants, but there are definitely a lot more people who deserve it this year. Yeah, there was All-States but that was towards the beginning of the year anyways. I wouldn't mind not receiving it for once =) It would go to someone who actually should get it.

Hmm, on a random side note, I've definitely been breaking out a lot more lately, and man is it gross. At first, everything started to clear up after I put myself on a face makeup ban, but I think my period is starting to get the best of me. I also find it kinda fun to pop pimples. Does anyone else feel the same way? I mean, I get this satisfaction when I pop the zit in an efficient and clean manner. The gross stuff is gone, and I have minimal scarring. Lol, lately that hasn't been happening. URGH. I just want to get out of puberty and call it a day... I hate my acne-prone skin.

So as I have someone else read my paper for me since I don't want to read the travesty that is my research paper, I think I'll end this post. Hopefully it wasn't as boring as I think it is =)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Procrastination at its best

So, what’s going on in my life right now? I would say this is an extremely unproductive day, but that wouldn’t be saying anything new really. As I eat my beef jerky and go on Youtube see what’s in my subscription box, I still have a Word document minimized which should be filled with words describing my research paper book, but alas, it is blank. It's already twelve and my paper is officially due in t-minus.... 30 hours?? I definitely think that I need to work on my schedule a bit more. If I could make a pie chart it would look like the image right above. So I guess I'll attempt to do an all-nighter tonight, so that I won't be cramming to do all of this Sunday night. Is there really any solution to laziness? I've gotten through four years of high school on it, but I don't think this stuff will fly in college. Anyways, I just reached the bottom of my jerky bag, and I think it's time for me to wrap this up.

Oh, but on a side note, I was trying on my prom dress and yeah... Not looking too good. You know when the strapless part between your skin and the dress is too tight, and you get that peculiar bulge around your armpit? Well, I look like I am officially stuffing sausages underneath my arms. My latissimus dorsi is officially extremely flabby and I have no idea what to do. I'm going to have to lay off the jerky or something because I need to look supah fine for pictures... Or just not grotesquely hideous. Anyways, I shall not be sleeping but I'm sure I'll crank out a title page before I go to bed at seven in the morning ;)

Friday, May 21, 2010

Start it off with a bang...

This week was pretty hectic, but in a good way. I think I'm becoming more and more... prepared to leave this town. I remember thinking that I always hated this place, but I think it's more that I just wanted to get out of here. I'll miss a lot of people, and a ton of good times, but this week reminded me of all the things I need to get out of my life. I was in Tacobell, with just one other person, and we were having one of those "heart-to-heart" conversations. This person had problems of her own, and I felt appreciated that she was willing to share them with me, but she gave me a far greater gift than that. She didn't give me advice or tell me how to solve things, but just listened. It was nice for once to have someone listen completely and fully without judging me. I feel like lately, every single person questions my motives, criticizes me for my actions, and overall dislikes me. Frankly, I'm tired of it.

I have this one... ex-friend. We'll call this person A. Now A and I were friends for roughly... six years, possibly more? Now A's not really a confrontational person, and rarely ever got into fights with me, but maybe that's what the problem was. We weren't dating or anything, but it sure felt like it. It appeared as though A was becoming increasingly tired of our friendship, and that things were just bound to die out. I became constantly self-conscious of myself. What could I do to make things work, was I doing something wrong, why don't things ever work out? I couldn't understand how we could've had so much fun two years ago, and now we could barely maintain a four minute conversation. A and I would talk every once in a while, but hardly enough for me. Whenever we did end up talking, our demeanors were strained. It was usually me talking to A, complaining about my life because I didn't know what else to say, and then asking about her life. She would always tell me that nothing was going on in her life and that it was excruciatingly boring. I hate when people do that. Honestly, even the most minute thing would make me happy. I just enjoy listening to people talk. If a person takes five minutes of her time telling me a story that would probably be pointless to someone else, it would show me that she cares enough to carry a conversation with me. Plus, I think of it as a way in which I can learn more about someone, and I like to feel as though I know someone well. So things were already iffy, and I was unsure of whether A even liked me as a person.

Anyways, fast forward a couple of weeks. I was just having one of those period-fueled days, where it feels like the world's going to end with everyone punching you in the face and telling you what's wrong with you. I was holding back tears all throughout ninth period, and then just finally broke down. I don't generally like crying in front of people because I know I'm fairly terrible with consoling. Hahaha, I try the "pat-on-the-back" method and the "hug-it-out" one but basically I don't really know a lot of people who are able to react properly to a grown ass woman crying. I guess that I broke down because I just wondered where my life went wrong. When did I lose the people close to me, or the future that I so desperately wanted (the future gone wrong can be another post for now lol)? Obviously this is ridiculously melodramatic, but hormones were out of whack. Anyways, a couple of people were trying to console me, and A just happened to pass by the group to say hi. I don't even think she approached the group for me, but came up to us for someone else, which also hurt, but what happens next was it. A sees me in my fragile state and doesn't really do anything. That hurt. She says something like, "Oh, when people cry, I like to give them their space," and she kinda laughs awkwardly. She doesn't say anything to me. I slightly understand the idea of this, but what I didn't understand was how she could see me so hurt and upset and not question it. If she genuinely cared, wouldn't she have called me when I was home, or even text to see if I was feeling okay? She never said anything to me about the situation, and I made a decision. I didn't deserve this.
What friendship involves no effort on someone else's part? Here I was, clearly in need of some help, preferably from a person who cares, and I felt completely abandoned. A rush of emotions came to me. What has A ever done for me? I'm the one constantly trailing her. I asked her every day if she wanted to hang out, just to hear her say no every time. Sometimes, A wouldn't even have a valid excuse. A once told me that she didn't want to hang out simply because she was tired. She was tired? I have a trillion and one things to do at home, are having problems with my own life, and am working on three hours of sleep, but I took time to put myself out there for her and want to hang out with her because I hadn't seen her in so long, because I liked her company. And for her to give such a... bullshit excuse just made me think that perhaps maybe it wasn't that she didn't want to hang out, but that she didn't want to see me specifically. I knew for a fact that she has some friends that she sees every week, with whom she hangs out with far more than me, but I doubt they go to such desperate lengths as I did. I practically begged her to text or call me whenever, but I never really got that message. Words were barely exchanged. I tried to make plans to accommodate A's schedule and issues, but I felt like I was unappreciated. I wouldn't mind just finding a movie and watching it together, or just taking a walk around the school. I didn't think I was asking for much, and yet I was the one who was constantly feeling hurt and as though I was clinging to air. I always had to approach A, and there was one time in which I didn't say hi to her first, and from then on, she didn't bother to come up to me, and we never talked after that. I wanted to believe in her, to see that maybe, even if I didn't tell her, she could just try to make me feel included in her life, and that didn't happen.

I never told her how I felt about things, but I thought it would've fell to deaf ears, ears that belonged to someone who clearly was fine without me. But I thought about it, maybe not as angered, and I knew that A had done a lot for me. She put herself in uncomfortable positions for me sometimes, and she would have my best interests at heart. We laughed together over the stupidest things, and we would bond over our similarities. She was friends with me because she wanted to be, and she was a good one. She doesn't deserve to be bad-mouthed by the likes of me, but I think that at this point, maybe we just couldn't be friends. I expected too much of her. Honestly, if A were to come up to me now and ask me how my day was, I would pleasantly respond and tell A that I hadn't seen her in what feels like ages. Now, I'm not even upset. Why should I be? It's no one else's fault but my own for what's happened. Would I want to be good friends with A? More than anything. I genuinely love her as a person. Do I think it'll happen? Most likely not, and for once, I'm okay with it. Graduation is in roughly three months, and it's time for me to move on. I can deal with some awkward moments in the hall or the regret I feel over what's transpired because I truly believe that by leaving this place, I'm leaving behind some of those insecurities and painful memories. I love the friends who have stuck by me for so long now, and I can't wait for the ones I'll make in the future, but for now, I'm just going to have to put up with the burnt bridges in front of me. And after eating my weight in beans and beef, I think I feel better letting this all out to one of those great people who let me into her life. =)