Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Some regrets?

Looking back on this year, I can't say I really enjoyed my senior year. It feels like I just really want to move on from everything. Nothing feels resolved, and I have this sense of incompletion leaving high school. And that's probably because of a few things...

"Drama" I honestly hate that word. It seems like girls use that word to describe their lives almost every single day. I would like to think I don't create drama or am not a part of it, but that would be a blatant lie. Tons of people hate me, or I'm just paranoid. I think it's a little bit of both, with mostly the people hating me. Granted, I do things for people to hate me, but sometimes I think it's unwarranted. I can't even begin to describe the numbers of problems I've had with friendships. I guess the biggest problem is selfishness. I want to cut out of my life people who do things without the consideration of others. I would like to think that I'm a pretty caring friend. Even when I don't want to, I hang out with people because they took the time to invite me out and make plans to a place. I try to make sure my friends feel included, and I in turn do things for them like planning events so that we can all be together. I think someone is disrespectful if they either never acknowledge the effort one puts in to maintain a friendship, or just does things that appear friendly for a secondary reason, one that is often for personal gain. I'm just trying to get through these last twenty-something days of school with my sanity. I lost a lost of people I used to be close with, but I just think that at this point, we're all just trying to reach the end. I mean, after high school, we're all going off to various places around the country. There's no need to start something when there's absolutely no point. So obviously I have unresolved issues with people, but I guess I can cope with it.

Never had a relationship. Yes, really. Is that not slightly sad?? Oh my goodness, I don't know how I managed to go four years in high school with absolutely nothing. It's official. I am undateable =0 I don't know what it is, but I must give off a pheromone that makes me instantly unattractive. Or maybe I'm just unattractive overall. The mystery shall go on!

Regret. I've either said things I don't mean, or never said the things I mean. I didn't tell the people who hurt me just how much pain I felt, or remind the ones I care about that I appreciate them so much. I really need to be more vocal about things, but I guess I'm always too afraid of people's reactions? Haha, look at me sounding like a little schoolgirl. But so yeah, I want to be able to tell someone randomly that he or she has made a significant impact on my life, and that I can imagine life without him/her. It'll probably sound creepy, but sometimes I think my words get the best of me and I don't properly articulate how I actually think of someone. Wow, this all sounds really retarded. I think I'm going to end this post soon. Hahaha, but again, hopefully this one wasn't all too boring =)

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