Friday, May 21, 2010

Start it off with a bang...

This week was pretty hectic, but in a good way. I think I'm becoming more and more... prepared to leave this town. I remember thinking that I always hated this place, but I think it's more that I just wanted to get out of here. I'll miss a lot of people, and a ton of good times, but this week reminded me of all the things I need to get out of my life. I was in Tacobell, with just one other person, and we were having one of those "heart-to-heart" conversations. This person had problems of her own, and I felt appreciated that she was willing to share them with me, but she gave me a far greater gift than that. She didn't give me advice or tell me how to solve things, but just listened. It was nice for once to have someone listen completely and fully without judging me. I feel like lately, every single person questions my motives, criticizes me for my actions, and overall dislikes me. Frankly, I'm tired of it.

I have this one... ex-friend. We'll call this person A. Now A and I were friends for roughly... six years, possibly more? Now A's not really a confrontational person, and rarely ever got into fights with me, but maybe that's what the problem was. We weren't dating or anything, but it sure felt like it. It appeared as though A was becoming increasingly tired of our friendship, and that things were just bound to die out. I became constantly self-conscious of myself. What could I do to make things work, was I doing something wrong, why don't things ever work out? I couldn't understand how we could've had so much fun two years ago, and now we could barely maintain a four minute conversation. A and I would talk every once in a while, but hardly enough for me. Whenever we did end up talking, our demeanors were strained. It was usually me talking to A, complaining about my life because I didn't know what else to say, and then asking about her life. She would always tell me that nothing was going on in her life and that it was excruciatingly boring. I hate when people do that. Honestly, even the most minute thing would make me happy. I just enjoy listening to people talk. If a person takes five minutes of her time telling me a story that would probably be pointless to someone else, it would show me that she cares enough to carry a conversation with me. Plus, I think of it as a way in which I can learn more about someone, and I like to feel as though I know someone well. So things were already iffy, and I was unsure of whether A even liked me as a person.

Anyways, fast forward a couple of weeks. I was just having one of those period-fueled days, where it feels like the world's going to end with everyone punching you in the face and telling you what's wrong with you. I was holding back tears all throughout ninth period, and then just finally broke down. I don't generally like crying in front of people because I know I'm fairly terrible with consoling. Hahaha, I try the "pat-on-the-back" method and the "hug-it-out" one but basically I don't really know a lot of people who are able to react properly to a grown ass woman crying. I guess that I broke down because I just wondered where my life went wrong. When did I lose the people close to me, or the future that I so desperately wanted (the future gone wrong can be another post for now lol)? Obviously this is ridiculously melodramatic, but hormones were out of whack. Anyways, a couple of people were trying to console me, and A just happened to pass by the group to say hi. I don't even think she approached the group for me, but came up to us for someone else, which also hurt, but what happens next was it. A sees me in my fragile state and doesn't really do anything. That hurt. She says something like, "Oh, when people cry, I like to give them their space," and she kinda laughs awkwardly. She doesn't say anything to me. I slightly understand the idea of this, but what I didn't understand was how she could see me so hurt and upset and not question it. If she genuinely cared, wouldn't she have called me when I was home, or even text to see if I was feeling okay? She never said anything to me about the situation, and I made a decision. I didn't deserve this.
What friendship involves no effort on someone else's part? Here I was, clearly in need of some help, preferably from a person who cares, and I felt completely abandoned. A rush of emotions came to me. What has A ever done for me? I'm the one constantly trailing her. I asked her every day if she wanted to hang out, just to hear her say no every time. Sometimes, A wouldn't even have a valid excuse. A once told me that she didn't want to hang out simply because she was tired. She was tired? I have a trillion and one things to do at home, are having problems with my own life, and am working on three hours of sleep, but I took time to put myself out there for her and want to hang out with her because I hadn't seen her in so long, because I liked her company. And for her to give such a... bullshit excuse just made me think that perhaps maybe it wasn't that she didn't want to hang out, but that she didn't want to see me specifically. I knew for a fact that she has some friends that she sees every week, with whom she hangs out with far more than me, but I doubt they go to such desperate lengths as I did. I practically begged her to text or call me whenever, but I never really got that message. Words were barely exchanged. I tried to make plans to accommodate A's schedule and issues, but I felt like I was unappreciated. I wouldn't mind just finding a movie and watching it together, or just taking a walk around the school. I didn't think I was asking for much, and yet I was the one who was constantly feeling hurt and as though I was clinging to air. I always had to approach A, and there was one time in which I didn't say hi to her first, and from then on, she didn't bother to come up to me, and we never talked after that. I wanted to believe in her, to see that maybe, even if I didn't tell her, she could just try to make me feel included in her life, and that didn't happen.

I never told her how I felt about things, but I thought it would've fell to deaf ears, ears that belonged to someone who clearly was fine without me. But I thought about it, maybe not as angered, and I knew that A had done a lot for me. She put herself in uncomfortable positions for me sometimes, and she would have my best interests at heart. We laughed together over the stupidest things, and we would bond over our similarities. She was friends with me because she wanted to be, and she was a good one. She doesn't deserve to be bad-mouthed by the likes of me, but I think that at this point, maybe we just couldn't be friends. I expected too much of her. Honestly, if A were to come up to me now and ask me how my day was, I would pleasantly respond and tell A that I hadn't seen her in what feels like ages. Now, I'm not even upset. Why should I be? It's no one else's fault but my own for what's happened. Would I want to be good friends with A? More than anything. I genuinely love her as a person. Do I think it'll happen? Most likely not, and for once, I'm okay with it. Graduation is in roughly three months, and it's time for me to move on. I can deal with some awkward moments in the hall or the regret I feel over what's transpired because I truly believe that by leaving this place, I'm leaving behind some of those insecurities and painful memories. I love the friends who have stuck by me for so long now, and I can't wait for the ones I'll make in the future, but for now, I'm just going to have to put up with the burnt bridges in front of me. And after eating my weight in beans and beef, I think I feel better letting this all out to one of those great people who let me into her life. =)

No comments:

Post a Comment