Wednesday, June 30, 2010

You smell just like my couch...

Wow. Today was the most fun I've had in such a long time. I don't understand why it was, but I think I burned off 10000 calories from smiling and laughing. I thought I was going to be disappointed and have a ridiculously boring day since one of my friends had to cancel on me, but it had turned out that two other people had absolutely nothing to do as well. So, we ended up hanging out from approximately 3:00 to 10:00, and I don't think I was bored for even a second.

We started out from Haagen Daz, and it was actually pretty funny. The three of us all ordered milkshakes in chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. It was a cute coincidence. I even remember seeing a bunny... on a leash. It was pretty adorable. But with me and my disgusting attempts to clear my throats, talking about queefs, and telling someone to "go ahead and get a brain freeze, dumb fuck", which results in a choking fit, I would say that everything was pretty hectic. Haha, I even managed to get stuff out of it. I got a much needed swimsuit and lip gloss and Target and Bath and Body Works, respectively. Attempting to put lipstick on a boy and smelling every single candle in a store were more fun than I would've thought.

I think I need to remember that Five Guys doesn't agree with my stomach by the way... My butthole feels like it's on fire. I think that was a bit too graphic, but I shall move on. Talking about weed in front of two police officers was pretty hilarious too. Argh, there are just too many moments that were far too hysterical for me to list all of them. I definitely have to say that even though there were only three of us, I think that was the most fun I've had since school ended.

Today made me regret a couple of things though. I remembered how terribly I had treated two people in the middle of the year. I would talk about one behind her back, and another I deemed as annoying. I was wrong to judge them and be such an asshole, but I'm glad that they've forgiven me and managed to stick with me thus far. They are amazing friends, and I'm a horrible friend for not realizing that from the beginning. It's days like these where I really will miss this town and sharing these special moments. Who knew life could be so much fun with your neighbors? =)

On a side note, the title refers to the Axe spray that smells like leather... I don't really understand the attraction of the smell, but as soon as one of us said this, an old woman chuckled and nodded her head in disapproval. It was a pretty funny moment, although perhaps not as disturbing as the pregnant man who came between me and a parking spot.

You've got a friend in me

Today was actually a lot of fun. Sometimes it probably seems like I just write on this blog to brag, but I swear that's not the case! I just... like telling people when I feel good, and today is definitely one of those days.

It was actually my first time movie hopping today! I always wanted to do it, but I could never find anyone to either a)want to spend more than two hours with me watching a movie or b) not be ridiculously tired after watching the first movie. I went to go see Toy Story 3 with three other friends, and I have to say that it was pretty good. I actually teared up a bit towards the end, but that's just because I'm a wuss =P Regardless, I feel as though it was the perfect ending to a trilogy, and that it felt very... appropriate for someone who graduated and is going off to college. It's a feel good movie, but it's not without its fair share of fun. I highly recommend it.

As soon as we exited the movie theater, it was midnight. Today was also the midnight showing of the movie Eclipse (part of the Twilight saga). In the spur of the moment, three out of the four of us (since Jerry apparently was in sooo much trouble) decided to walk in and sit down. The seats were a bit uncomfortable since they were so close to the screen, but as Rachel said, "It's like we paid for IMAX!" And since we didn't actually pay anything, I figured it was best not to complain. The movie was pretty good, but I think the experience was just so much fun overall. Plus, Rachel was just in a ridiculously happy mood the entire time, and that rubbed off on me. I'm a pretty firm believer in that happiness transfers to other people, similar to herpes. I always seem to get an STD in these posts somehow...

Moving on, I just had a good time being out until three in the morning watching movies. The days before that were nice too. I played tennis for three hours, and played Super Smash Brawl for another two hours. I then proceeded to get violated while underneath a blanket. So it was a pretty eventful day. Although much didn't happen, it actually felt like a lot of fun to me. I miss days like those, where absolutely nothing can happen, but it still manages to be fun. Although, I apparently looked like a "forty year old asian lady", which I would assume means that I wasn't looking all too good that day. I can't help it if I'm ugly without makeup or doing my hair. Gosh. People can't appreciate hideousness these days.

I haven't had much time alone with my thoughts, but I'm glad. I probably would start freaking out about something one way or another, so keeping myself busy is the best solution. Oh, but on an unrelated note, I think I came up with a pretty good idea. I was talking with someone on oovoo and I suggested for him to write a letter to me. I know absolutely nothing about him and need something to read while on a fourteen hour plane flight to Korea, so I figured it would be fun getting to know him. He then said that I should write him a letter in return since we both know nothing. I've decided to be completely open in the letter and just talk about anything and everything that comes to mind. I'm sure he doesn't really want to know all the things I tell him about myself, but I figured I should've gotten everything down. I just love finding new things out about people, so if you're someone who a) reads my blog b) doesn't mind me always listing things in an annoying manner and c) wouldn't mind telling me about yourself, then I would love to read a personal letter.

And it is now 4:00 in the morning. I need some sleep. I really hope I wake up in time. I'm supposed to see someone who is leaving the next day, and I would feel really bad if I just fell asleep on them. Gah. I can't manage a schedule. The things I do for my readers... Ahahah, okay, the selfish things I do for myself really... =)

Monday, June 28, 2010

Q and A

I thought I might do things a little differently for once, and just answer a bunch of random questions I found off of a website. That way, people can get to know more about me in a (hopefully) fun manner. So, let's start!

Ever been arrested?
Nope. Not even close.

Most hated chore on the household chore list?
I don't really do any of the chores like I'm supposed to, but I would imagine mowing the lawn would suck.

Tell me about your first road trip in your first car
Well, I've never really had a road trip, but I've had times where I've driven around with someone and not know where we're going. I can't really recall me ever giving the rides though... Except for prom when I drove two other people around and we would do the most peculiar things while riding around in a creepy white minivan...

In life who has had the most influence on you?
Well, for now I think I'll leave this blank since I have yet to meet that life changing person.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I don't think I've really made any significant impact on anyone's life, but personally, I think any achievement I've done in playing bass was important to me. I proved a lot of people wrong and went pretty far with what I had, and I think that breaking these preconceived notions was something that made me proud of myself.

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered for after your death?

My effort. I don't know if this sounds cheesy, but I want to be known as the person who always tried, whether it was in work, a relationship, or any aspect.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

"Hey, this isn't a joke. You actually can get in!"

Do you have any phobias?

Too many. I'm frightened of spiders, but I'm also scared to kill any bug. I've gotten better at it though. I also have an irrational fear of sharks from watching Jaws at a young age. I need to have my bedroom door closed before I go to sleep, and my feet can't dangle over my bed. All limbs must be on the bed so that no one from underneath can grab anything. I also have a germ phobia. I'll eat things off of the ground, but as soon as I get home, even if I'm outside for five minutes, I need to wash my hands. For some reason, my hands don't feel clean unless I use the soap inside my house, even though it's just Dial.

If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do?
I would ride on elephants because that just looks megacool.

If you could be
one kind of beer which one would you be and why?
Budlight, but that's definitely only because the commercials for it make life seem so much more pleasant. Hahaha, I've also seen an excess of those ads since watching the world cup.

If you were a kitchen appliance – what would you be and please make the sound of that appliance?

Apparently, I would be a microwave, because I "warm people up" pretty quickly. Whatever the heck that means hahaha. And oh, uh... "beep. bo beep. beep boo beep."

Tell me about a family member you are really proud of.
I'm actually very proud of... my father. I mean, he came to America with just his wife and some random idea of making something for his children. To this day, he hates his job, but he keeps going at it so that he can provide for his family. It's because of his hard work that I'm able to go to the college of my dreams and that my brother can go to an amazing school. If we do manage to become successful, it's because our father got us this far.

Do you have any relatives in jail?
None that I know of...

If you had to, what relative would you lock up in the shed and why?
Well, almost all of my relatives live in Korea, so I haven't really been able to judge their sanity as much as I would like. Therefore, I can't properly answer this quesiton.

What did you enjoy about school?
I think I enjoyed... seeing people. I definitely didn't like waking up at six thirty (okay seven) in the morning and falling asleep in class while simultaneously failing every single test. I think it's nice to see all of my friends since I wouldn't be able to always make plans with them during the week.

Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid.
Nap time. No explanation necessary. Okay, maybe a little one. I love taking naps. I like sleeping. And naps are like mini-sleeps. I miss the golden times, where there would just be a designated time in which all kids were required to sit still and fall asleep. I'd be much more productive now.

Who was your enemy or the bully when you were young?
LOL. There are a couple of funny stories to go with these, but none of them will make sense, so I'll just move on...

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I think I wanted to be Britney Spears? I know that's horrible, but she was the epitome of cool and talented, not to mention ridiculously pretty. Her appearance is probably what sucked me in though. I was a vain child, as I am a vain adult!

When and with whom was your first kiss?
Well, since I decided to be completely honest with this blog, I might as well be? I've never had a first kiss... As weird/retarded as that sounds, it just hasn't happened. Maybe it's because I haven't been in a relationship. It's not like I've never done things beyond kissing. Well, I guess I have had kisses, but I wouldn't consider them something as a first kiss. I would think a first kiss is romantic and sweet, something that is planned beforehand on a date. So, to me, I haven't had one. Oh god. I'm a loser.

What extremely difficult life situation have you overcome and how did you do it?
I wouldn't say that my life is particularly difficult, so I can't think of a definite answer for this. I guess I would have to say one of those things would be my dog passing away. As crazy as it sounds, his death hurt me more than anything else. I cried for hours on end, and even now, I still feel a slight emptiness. The time it happened, I was so busy with work and college applications and decisions, so I didn't have much time to think about it. It only began to set in that he was really gone when I would come home and no one was home. That's when I realized I really was alone and that he wouldn't run up to me and sniff my ears while smiling the entire time. It sounds absurd to be so affected by a dog, but Max meant much more than a household pet. He was always there for me, and happy no matter what.

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?
Hahahahaha, my entire life is a compilation of embarrassing events. Let's see if I can remember one of them... Well, at someone's pre-prom, I fell going up two steps and I'm sure everyone my cellulite ass. I even broke my shoe! That was fairly mortifying.

Was there ever a time when you were frightened for your life?
Actually, I have, but I think it's just because I'm insanely paranoid. Whenever I hear any abnormal noises outside late at night when I go downstairs, I am genuinely scared for my well-being. Also, there was this one time when I was outside my house and this creepy ass asian woman passed by me in my car. Who the hell powerwalks at 11:00 pm anyways?

Which is the best vacation you’ve ever had?
Hmm, I would say the one where I went to four countries in Europe for ten days. I mean, at the time, I kind of thought the trip sucked, but I now see that I got a lot out of it. I saw amazing things, but more importantly, I met amazing people. Jen and Owen have seriously got to be two of the friendliest people I've ever met in my life, and they've definitely inspired me to be more outgoing.

If you could add a single option to your car, what would you add?

Probably an "Eject People Out of Seat and Onto Road" option

If you could start your own restaurant, what would it be?
Hahah, I would name it Shake and Bake, and people would get the proper ingredients to make a dish, but they would have to shake the contents of the dish together before eating.

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Having a healthy and successful lifestyle by the time I'm thirty.

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.
Tell someone the honest truth about how I feel about them

There are approximately twelve more questions left, but it is 3:46 and I think I'll start a regular blog post now about my week and finish this up another time. Are there any questions you'd like for me to answer? They can honestly be the silliest things on the planet. I would like to see some love on my formspring. It's been ignored by people lately. Haha, but honestly, if anyone likes this whole survey thing, please feel free to tell me! =)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Insert Clever Title Here

It is 11:05 and I have absolutely nothing to do. I actually have a surprisingly large amount of energy, so I decided to put that to good use. Is a blog post the most productive thing I could do with my time? Probably not. Why do I like rhetorical questions so much? I think I'm a loser.

Anyways. I actually think I had a lot of fun today. Nothing crazy happened, but I think that I was myself. I wasn't pretending to be cool, or trying to be ridiculously funny. I was just me. And I feel like I haven't been able to be that way in a long time. Granted, I was only like this for an hour or so, but it still felt nice. It's annoying to have to put on this sort of... persona for others. I feel like people can't get to know who I really am because I think that they would be weirded out by what they find. I'm the person who likes staring in the mirror and making ridiculous faces, to see which one of them is the silliest. I like bumping up the music in my car like a bamf and singing along even though I'm practically tone deaf. I don't necessarily like farting, but sometimes, I like being by myself long enough to be able to. I definitely don't think that people have this "cool" image of me, but I still think they have a certain idea, and that bothers me.

I actually don't like the person I've been made out to be. I'm always the loud, obnoxious asian girl who doesn't know who to shut up. I'll always say the dumbest things and act in a ditzy manner. I don't really think anyone respects me. I don't like how it seems like I should always be talking. I honestly prefer listening to what everyone around me has to say. I'm a very curious person, but then I feel like I'm forced to talk constantly, and I really don't like it all to much. The sound of my voice annoys me, so I can't imagine what it's like for others. I just hate awkward silences though, so I try to fill them up as much as possible. Because I've been in North Brunswick for so long and people have had this image of me since I was like ten, I thought I was stuck to be this way forever. That's probably one of the reasons why I was so excited to go to college. I could make a different name for myself, one that I was happy with. I don't like how I'm perceived by others, but I'm the only person who can change that.

I always have this desire/need to please others. I don't know if I'm successful all the time, but I try to accommodate my plans according to everyone else, attempt to be funny so that people will laugh, and put on makeup or style my hair because I want people to think I look nice. I don't think I do anything to necessarily make myself happy, and that saddens me. I should have the option to do whatever I want because I want to, but I'm stuck in trying to make anyone but myself happy. I don't even think I make anyone that happy.

This post seems to be a bit on the sad side, but I didn't mean for it to be that way. I just think that I've been able to be myself more lately, and it feels nice. However, I do feel quite ignored lately. I try to make plans with people all the time because I want to see them, and it seems like no one appreciates my efforts. I shouldn't have to do all the work in a friendship, and yet it seems all too easy to cancel on anything I ever try to plan. I know it's not personal when someone says they can't make something, but I try so hard to be a good friend, and I feel as though my efforts are disregarded. I'm probably being too sensitive yet again, but I'm someone who needs the companionship of others. I don't want to admit it, but I'm very dependent on those around me, so when I feel like someone blatantly ignores me or doesn't want to see me, I'm like an injured puppy. It actually hurts me a lot. I think I'm going to work on this issue when I'm more in college since it is such an independent environment, but it's just something with which I've always had an issue.

Again, this post is really scattered, but I don't really know what else to say! This week was pretty hectic though. A couple of graduation parties, a couple of small hang outs, and one day of absolute boredom. All in all, I would have to say that I really want to make sure that I see all of the people I want to see before I go to South Korea, but I'm not sure if that's possible at this rate. Still, if anyone wants to see me, make plans now! I'm leaving July 16th, and I definitely won't have much time when I come back. Argh, everything's moving so quickly. Time won't wait for me, and I can't afford to wait for anyone else, so hopefully people will catch up. =)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

That winding road

So... I realized that my last post was dealing a bit too much with the sudden future, and that maybe I should take a few steps forward. I think I'll go ahead and tell you guy(s) what I want to make of myself in the next fifteen years.

I don't want to come to my high school reunion unless I'm supah rich, supah fine, and supah successful. Vain, I know. Still, I can't imagine coming back to North Brunswick without having made a name for myself somehow. And yet, I think I know all too well the reality of what is to come.

I'll probably have a typical 9-5 job, perhaps even longer, and I'll make enough money to get by. I doubt that I'll make that much money, since that would require me creating something substantial. It frightens me to think about it, but I'm average at best. I'll never be anything more than one of those office drones who can do basic remedial tasks. I'm not going to be the person to find the cure for cancer, or a faster and more efficient way to process complex information. I just won't be someone, and that's one of my biggest fears.

I'll want to have a healthy marriage, a child, and a comfy home. Honestly, the thing that means the most to me is stability. I want to be able to provide for the family I have and not have to worry about things like money. I don't think that's too much to ask for, but I don't really see anyone around me with all of these things. First off, I'll have to find someone insane enough to want to marry me. That's going to be tough. For someone like me who has yet to be in a relationship, there is no hope. And if there is no hope for a husband, then there's also none for a child. It just seems like all the things I want most in life are just so far away. I feel like these things can't be accomplished in the amount of time that I have. And I'm still only seventeen.

Is it possible that I think too much into things? Definitely, but I honestly can't live life constantly looking towards the future. I prefer looking down at my feet, where I can see them. I can only be in the present because that's all I know. I'm scared. Scared that I'll fail. Scared that somehow I'll make a wrong turn somewhere and won't be able to find my way back. I just go as long as I keep getting pushed by time. I try not to look behind me, since that path is only filled with regret, but I don't look forward either.

I hate thinking about the future because it reminds me that I have so much more to do, and yet a limited amount of time. I want that stable environment, filled with happiness at even the most minute things. For now, I can work towards that goal and hope that everything will turn out all right, but I can't think about it. I can't be afraid. So, to what I want my future to be like: I want to be able to have no worries.

You know that I love you boy....

Yeah, so that song is officially stuck in my head. This isn't much of a surprise since I am massively in love with Lady Gaga, but I honestly find the song pretty annoying now. Haha, I remember when I used to get obsessive over music, like in sophomore year when I would listen to Green Day nonstop. I knew all of their lyrics, even from their two albums before Dookie. I even knew all of the tattooes on each respective musician's arm. Luckily, I grew out of that. Otherwise, I might've turned out like the creepy emo chick who looks like she overdosed on black eyeliner and nail polish. Although I do like my eyeliner....

Moving on. I read on my formspring that someone actually had a request! It definitely made my day, and it also gave me some new fodder to write about! So.. the future. It used to seem so far away just four years ago. I know it's only college, but I feel the pressure of finding a job and making a name for myself becoming much more prominent. I think it's because I thought by now, I would've figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I still haven't had that "Aha!" moment in which I know what path I'm supposed to take. To be honest, I'm terribly frightened that I come out of college with some bogus degree that's good for nothing and then waste another four years in grad school without ever gaining the necessary tools to excel in a specific profession.

For the sake of college applications, I wrote down either Business or Economics as my major. And I know this will sound bad, but for Cornell, I applied to the College of Arts and Sciences because the application for it was so much easier to "bullshit" than the one for the College of Agricultural and Life Sciences (the one with the actual business school). I'm surprised Cornell even accepted me. The title of my supplementary essay was, "Italian and Economics: Perfetto!" I can't believe something like that actually managed to impress someone. I'm actually grateful that the admissions people decided to take a risk and choose me, despite my horrible application. But this isn't about the admissions process. This is about deciding a major.

Just a week or two ago, I received an e-mail from an Assistant Dean asking if I were changing my intended major. I did e-mail him back right away, saying that I perhaps would like to transfer into the business school or the college of hotel administration. I try to seem so sure of my decision, and yet I still can't back it up. I find myself constantly questioning my every move. Is this really what I want to do, or am I pressured by the figures around me to go into a certain field? All I know is that I want to get out of college and not have to go to grad school and create an even heftier financial burden on my parents. Thus, going into hotel management seemed like the best idea. I mean, it's what Cornell's best at and all of the girls I met absolutely loved it. But still, that voice in the back of my head... Do I want this?

Even today, I can't really find what I'm looking for, and I think for the most part, this year will be dedicated to keeping my GPA up so I can transfer if I deem it necessary. It'll be a chance for me to find out more about myself and Cornell as well. I guess freshman year might turn out to be a life journey. For now, I can't wait, but I'm also horrified beyond belief. And yet, I think things will turn out okay. Maybe I'm just crazy for thinking that. Oh wait, I was always crazy. =)

Monday, June 21, 2010

People read this?

So... It turns out I officially know at least five people who have visited my blog at least once. Of course they're all of my close friends, which makes me laugh a little bit. SHOUTOUT TO RICHARD AND ERIC. I don't really know if they'll read this one since it's not about drugs, but I'm sure they'll appreciate the thought.

Today felt like the real beginning of summer. As a couple of friends played manhunt together, it hit me that I probably won't be able to do these things for a long time. After this summer, I doubt I'll be running around hiding in Ithaca. I'd probably die from the snowfall before that could ever happen. I surprisingly actually had a lot of fun, and when I look back on this summer, events like today will come to mind. I actually love the people who are in my life, and am eternally grateful that they've put up with me thus far. I know it's been a tough time bearing with me, and I can't imagine having better people involved.

Also, I'm pretty excited to go to Korea. I'll probably hate it when I get there though. I can barely speak Korean, and so conversations with my relatives will be very strained. I also won't really know anybody there, so it probably will be uneventful. Still, I have to visit the Motherland, don't I? It's been over twelve years since I last visited, so it'd be a nice change of pace. I tend to forget just where my roots really are.

Let's see... Do I have any other plans for the summer? I think I'm watching Toy Story 3 sometime in the near future, which I am surprisingly very excited about! The prospects of visiting childhood are just too enticing... or it could just be that I'm ridiculously immature. I think both are applicable to the situation? =) There's another graduation party this week, a birthday at Six Flags, and a possible sleepover. Actually, that seems like a pretty eventful first week of summer. This reminds me of how I attempted to tag numerous people in my first real photo album since last summer... and how I epically failed. I might try again tomorrow, but for now, I think three attempts are enough failure in one day for me.

On a unrelated note... (this totally might be a new section in every blog post) Basically. That word bothers me. It's just a filler word, and yet everyone finds it necessary to include it in any sort of form of public speaking. Whether it's lecturing or making a point, basically finds its way into people's mouths all the time, much like herpes. I do not like either. I should stop ending things on a random note. They really do nothing for anybody. And now it's three thirty. I am going to bed. If there is someone who reads this, would you like me to write about anything specifically? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated! You can ask me on formspring if you really want to. *Sigh* I bet I'll have no new formspring questions....

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Life as I know it?

Today was yet another uneventful day, but I guess one that I can appreciate? As everyone should know, today was Father's Day. I didn't actually do anything for Papa Chung, which I felt terrible about, but I figured spending the entire day with him would make up for it. So, he, my mother, and I went to his best friend's house in Manhattan. I finally got to see the man my father would always call Alberto and answer the phone with a "Que pasa????" every single time. I expected a very burly and tough looking Greek man, and to my surprise I saw... A regular, middle aged, and slightly balding Greek man. He looked much older than my father, and yet he had a child who was just turning three.

He and his wife were ridiculously hospitable, and I had a fairly nice time. I will admit that I was dying somewhat without my phone (isn't that expected of every modern teenager?), but I think I handled myself pretty well. My visit there put a couple of things in perspective for me...

1. The importance of children. I always say that I want as few kids as possible, and that I would be perfectly fine not having one at all. To be honest, I think that would be a missing chapter in my life. Having a child is something that now appears... necessary. Alberto and Sarah are roughly fifty years old each, and yet they just recently had a child. By the time Esther is in my position three days ago, they will be mistaken as grandparents. That actually makes me sad to think about, but also signifies the importance of bringing life into this world. I'm actually excited to have kids someday. Not in the near future, of course, but perhaps a little earlier than I wanted previously.

2. The excitement of attending college. In the last week, five or seven people on my floor for housing have already added me on facebook. It just all seems so real now. And I'm not hesitating to go for it. I just want to be there already, meeting all of the people who could potentially change my life. Talking about college with Sarah just made me realize that it might be even more of an experience that I ever imagined.

3. The epicness that could be this summer. I can't wait for an alcohol/drug induced summer. Talking about getting wasted with one friend and high with another just got me really excited, which is probably a bad sign actually. Still, I just think that the prospects of being so free and wild make it all the more enticing. Clubbing is supposed to be put into that mix, but we shall see about that for now... If anyone wants to join in on these plans, feel free to by the way! Although I doubt anyone reads this so I don't know why I write these =P

On a completely unrelated note... Does anyone else hate going number two in a bathroom that is a part of someone else's house? I honestly try to hold it in if I can, but today I was faced with two options. Try to control your bowel movements for two hours, OR go to the bathroom of your parent's friend's house while no one is looking. I knew I couldn't wait too long, so I did the latter. I felt incredibly satisfied afterwards, but I shudder at the thought. I hate doing things that are so uncomfortable, and for me, doing anything related to pooping/farting in a public environment is something that makes me extremely uncomfortable.

And so, I'm ending this wall post with an upset stomach and strange wishes. Wow. It's 2:38. I need sleep.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Two days

Graduation was already two days ago. That's really weird. I don't know how else to put it. It hasn't set in that I'm not physically required to attend high school anymore. If anything, I feel like I'm still going back in September. But no. I'm going to be in college by August 20th, away from everything I've grown accustomed to for the past four years...

I think that I don't really feel much yet because I've seen so many of the people in my class already. Also, I haven't really had time to just be alone with my thoughts. Once things start to settle down, I'll realize that this is the end of an entire section of my life. I'm so old hahaha.

Graduation itself was... interesting. I mean, I think it defined me pretty clearly, as in, I'm a moron. My hat fell off on several occasions, even when I was walking with everyone else to our seats. I think that's pretty dumb. And then I spent the entire time fixing it while sitting down. Overall, it was an amazing experience. I cried in copious amounts. So much so that my fake eyelashes completely came off. It was not an attractive sight. It hit me at that moment that I wasn't going to see a lot of those people, and that I genuinely cared for them. I cried even when I saw the juniors in the orchestra, who were all sweet enough to hug me, even though I probably got foundation all over their shirts. Everyone was just absolutely wonderful, and I had never felt more loved. Graduation meant a lot to me, and I'm glad it turned out so well.

Project Graduation, on the other hand, was slightly a bust. It was a lot of fun for the first two hours. And then everything shut down. Not so cool. I went home feeling unsatisfied but insanely tired. Still, it made me realize that I made a lot of new friends this year, and that maybe losing a couple of friends wasn't so bad if it meant meeting all of these new people. I'm definitely in one of my good moods again, which is surprising since my period started as soon as Project Grad ended. Too much information? Perhaps...

So, today was pretty insane. I definitely need to plan the things in my life better, or my friends just need to pick different days to do things. Overall, I had a lot of fun. Water balloon fights, free food, candy, and a pinata? Two graduation parties and a senior recital sound like a good day to me =)

To go into more detail... Albert's recital was pretty amazing I have to say. Not only did he play the piano and violin, but he even came prepared. He had pamplets given out, including a biography and picture. I have to say, the dude comes prepared. Also, the guest list was pretty insane. I've never seen a larger group of success college bound students in one area. I met three people going to MIT, two going to Harvard, and another to UPenn. I definitely didn't meet everybody, and according to Katherine, I would've met half of the incoming Princeton and Harvard Classes of 2014.

Also, I was even invited to go to the carnival! Even though I went yesterday, I definitely wouldn't have minded going today especially since I would've seen my favorite people in the NBTHS Class of 2011 =) They're really all so sweet, and it actually makes me pretty sad that I've gotten pretty close with a couple of them so late in the year. I hope they don't forget about me! Anyways, I came too late because the recital took roughly two hours, but hopefully they shall make more plans and include me? I honestly can't wait to spend the summer with people like Katherine, Nishat, Kinal, Alice, and Saeam. I just can't get over how genuinely friendly and nice they are towards me. It feels like something that I lack with people in my grade to be honest. Of course there are more people who I should acknowledge, but they know who they are =)

The funny thing is, I know that I'll feel all cool and popular for being so busy today, but then no one will want to hang out with me at all after this. Everyone wants to see me at the same time, and then they all just forget about me. Oh, how evil fate turns out to be =P

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

All quiet on the front...

So. It's the day before graduation? Am I freaking out? Very much so. Right now I'm desperately trying to maintain my composure and not think about all of the things that could go wrong. My gown makes me look like a golden big bird, my dress is terribly unflattering, I probably will fail my Italian final tomorrow, amongst other things. I just... don't believe that this day has come. It's too fast. Too sudden. And yet, at the perfect time.

Honestly, if I were graduating a week later, I probably would shoot someone. As frightened as I am, I can't wait to leave this school. Obviously I'll miss a select few, but I need to let myself grow more than anything else. I'm definitely way too immature for someone who's turning eighteen... I doubt poop and dick jokes will still be as funny in college. Ah, I doubt it. Everyone appreciates dirty humor once in a while, right? =)

Anyways, I just miserably failed my AP Calculus final, and I don't really give a damn. I think I failed my AP Bio final as well. I actually need a 79 or 80 to get a B as my final grade, but there was just some point in taking the test in which I thought, "No." I just put down my pencil and stopped trying. That test was brutal, and I don't care what anyone says about my apathy. Hahaha, these finals are the last hurdle for me, and I seem to have toppled over every single one.

After finals, what does that leave me? Oh, yes. GRADUATION. I'm pretty excited for that moment, but I know it won't really be much when it happens. My family will cheer for me. No one else really will. I'll cry in pictures, look unattractive in pictures, get makeup all over my dress, and look ridiculously ugly. That's not something terribly out of the ordinary though. Project Graduation should be amazing as well. A moonbounce? Pretty epic I have to say. Spending the day with a couple hundred of your favorite graduates? Even better. It's a little weird that it's hosted in a YMCA, but I don't really mind hahaha. If that means ice skating and swimming in the same building, I'm down.

Looking back, I really don't know what all the fuss was about. All of the drama, fighting, crying, and whining seemed to be for nothing significant. What's important is the future, and those you bring along with you. I'll need to stop living in the past from now on, and I'm not entirely sure. I can do it. For now, I'll try. And for now, you guys can wish me luck! =)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Today was the last full day of high school. I always thought I'd love for this day to come, but it somehow got to me. The word "ever" echoed in my head. Ever. This is the last full day of high school... ever. I actually got slightly emotional after hearing this. To think that I'm already at this stage in my life, I honestly can't believe it. It's been such a long journey to this point.

I was always an... angsty kid. I can only assumed that it stemmed from my issues as a fat kid, and also that I was a complete brat. Oh, I'm not kidding anyone I think. I'm still a brat =) But moving on.... I didn't really have that many friends in elementary and middle school, and so I was pretty clingy to the friends I have. I think that's why I've been so judgemental in my high school career. I just have these high expectations from my friends. I hate the feeling of being unwanted, so I always want to feel as though people are making an effort to approach me.

Even now, I'm ridiculously insecure when it comes to the friendships I have, and I'm sure it bothers a ton of them when I always wait for them to say hi, or for them to see me first, but I can't help it. These issues are so deep-rooted that I just constantly feel unloved. But enough about this. Graduation should be a joyous moment! I think what I was trying to convey through this introspection is that I think I've matured a bit as a person, and that I really have gone through a lot to get here. I would like to think that maybe I've become less clingy, and that I'm able to reciprocate my feelings more towards others. Friends, feelings, and futures. All of these things have drastically changed.

There are a million other paths I could have taken to get to this point, but none of that matters now. I could sit down and write about all of the things I regret, but what would that do? It would put me in a bad mood and fix absolutely nothing. For now, I just want to plan ahead, think about what it is that I want to do with my life. In that sense, I'm stuck in a bit of a rut. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do in life, and time is quickly running out. I think it's pretty weird that I haven't had that spark go off in my head, telling me what it is that I want to do. That moment hasn't happened yet, but I'll be waiting. I just want to have a secure lifestyle, if that makes sense. Of course it would be nice to be filthy rich, but I never want to have to run into money troubles or have my child give up her dreams because I can't afford it. That would be too unbearable. Anyways, I think I might do something in business, but I can't see myself enjoying it by any means. This is such a difficult task to do, but I realize that deciding my future is becoming more and more of a daunting issue. I can only hope that something in college will enlighten me at this point.

Mmm, so this is a filler paragraph because I'm very tired =(

Right now it's as though I'm in a car that's moving at light speed, and it's moments like these that make me slow down and think a little bit. Writing these blogs are kind of... relaxing, if that makes sense. It's like an open diary of some sort. I doubt anybody really reads mine, but hopefully someone enjoys it? =)

Monday, June 7, 2010

A crazy notion.

I definitely have a problem. I think I only feel attracted to boys who are emotionally, physically, and obviously unavailable?What does that translate into? Homewrecker. Absolute, detestable floozy! I can't stand myself sometimes.

I've definitely done this before. Now, I know none of these guys would ever break up with their girlfriends, and maybe that's why I enjoy it so much? Honestly, I think most of the time I'm actually pretty good friends with their girlfriends as well, and yet I should feel guilty about acting in a fairly despicable manner. I mean, should I blame the guy who flirts with me ridiculously behind closed doors, or should I blame myself for enjoying most of it and reciprocating?

I don't really doubt in my mind that what I'm doing is wrong, but I guess it's just a confidence boost. It does feel nice to be wanted, and perhaps even more so because the boy who wants you has someone so great right next to him. I would never do anything with these types of guys, but so then it seems as though there's no point to even teetering that line. I mean, I'm sure the girlfriends would be fuming to see any sort of hint of flirting, and if they knew it was me, then they'd be confused even more. I don't think I'm a fake person, and yet I do things that characterize that perfectly. I sometimes don't know what to make of myself. I wonder if anyone else has this type of problem, or if I'm some sort of attention whore.

I refused to ramble, especially this late/early. I clearly failed. I probably won't remember this when I wake up. I hope someone reminds me so I can come back here and delete this.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Drunken Floozy

This weekend was... interesting, to say the least. I've reminded myself why it is that I don't drink that often. I mean, I guess it's bad enough that I'm asian, but also a woman? Tsk tsk. I should know better. Still, it definitely was nice to get away from it all for a change. To lose yourself to have fun in one of the most barbaric ways possible is a great way to let off some steam. I even made some crazy friends along the way ;) This is kind of a silly post, but I mean I guess this is just one of my crazy sides? Honestly, this post will be very sporadic and confusing, but I just feel like listing all of my thoughts.... Also, I can't find one decent photo of me from senior prom and I do want to change my profile picture on facebook. Does anyone have any suggestions? Who am I kidding, no one reads this anyways. So, to sum it all up? Here's a list of things I might want to finish up before the week ends..

Plans for next week:

Smoke it up. Now that I actually know what it's like to get ridiculously high, I definitely have to do it again. I mean, I've never felt it that strongly before, so I didn't understand what the big deal was about smoking weed, but now I think I do. I don't think I've ever had so much fun in an hour's span =) While that does include touching others inappropriately and constantly having my hand over my face, I'm hoping the people around me don't mind.

Joyriding it up. So, I made a playlist of songs to which everyone should know the lyrics. I've decided that we're going to buy as many different brands and types of energy drinks as much as our budgets allow, then proceed to consume these beverages, and sing as loudly as we can while painting the town red. A fairly stupid plan? Yes. Still up for it? Absolutely.

STUDY FOR FINALS. Definitely not the highlight of my week, but I think I definitely need to do something. For a couple of my classes, my finals could be absolutely disastrous. My math and bio finals will be the death of me. Still, I need to make sure my college doesn't see how horrible of a failure I am, right?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Lowered expectations... in a good way!

So, I just came back from an adventure with a friend in Panera.... I think we got there at around seven, but then got home at ten. That left a lot of time to talk, but the last ten minutes definitely got to me the most, and I think I've finally gotten a bit out of this slump. What she said really made a whole lot of sense, and changed my previous outlook a little bit.

Things will obviously look better as we get older, but it's because in that exact moment, we only focus on what could've been. I was really sad about how I thought the end of my senior year panned out. I lost sooo many great friends, and I have no one but myself to blame for that. Overall, I just wanted a happy and worry-free graduation, but it now seems impossible. Surprisingly, I'm okay with that now. I realize that I'm only zeroing in on these things that I wish would happen, or I hold this extreme ideal of what a high school graduation should be like. Everyone should be smiling for pictures, and we all have these meaningful relationships that will continue on for decades to come.

I've decided. I won't do that anymore. I won't focus on the negative and what might have possibly happened, but just not expect... anything. I'm definitely the happiest when I least expect it, but if I keep waiting for some event to just make all of my dreams come true, nothing good will come of it. So, I'm just going to be excited for what might happen, and expect the unexpected. Ignorance in this case could very well be bliss. =)

I know, I know. Mood swings yet again?? But hopefully this one will stick. I feel good about this. I really do. I can't keep being upset over every single little thing, and what better way to look at life besides being completely blind? No, but seriously, I think that if I don't try so hard, great happenings will come easier. All I can do now is stay where I am, and hope things come to me for once. And I for one, couldn't be any happier.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Way too much time to think

It's official. Today was a horrible day.

A gross habit of mine is biting my nails, and when I'm particularly stressed out, you can be sure to see me hardcore gnawing. Right now, my nails are about down to stubs, so it's safe to say I've been a little worried.

It turns out another person hates me and refuses to tell me yet again. I honestly would prefer if someone told me she disliked me at this stage in my life. I don't need such nonsensical drama, especially so close to the finish line. We don't have to be friends if you don't like it. Not such a terrible ordeal. I think I'm trying to be more.. forgiving of others, and not be so quick to shun people. I realize now that I'm definitely way too quick to judge people, and that's just a horrible trait to possess. I want to be someone who's understanding instead of jumping to conclusions. What does that say about myself if I'm the one who isolates others?

Anyways, the issue is that this girl is having a little shin-dig at her beach-house after prom. Not a huge deal, right? What she's fail to do, is to ever tell me that this was happening. A little... complicated. I don't really mind not being invited. It's just prom. But what I do have a problem with is being blatantly lied to. The girl and I have a pretty similar group of friends, and obviously I was bound to hear it either way... What I'm offended about is that I confronted her directly instead of just asking around. I told her that if she didn't want to spend time with me the day after prom, she didn't have to, but that I would like for her to tell me the truth. Instead, I was the one who was given an attitude as though I did something wrong. I honestly can't understand what I did poorly in this situation. I said it was okay if there was some reason for not wanting to see me, the statement was said in a calm and rational manner, and I didn't go around talking about her behind my back, even though these things were told to me from other people. I would like to think I handled things in a fairly mature manner, but was treated like I was attacking.

Honestly, I heard little inklings of this event a month ago, and yet she still refused to say anything when I blatantly asked her what she would be doing after prom... I just hate being lied to. I understand that we haven't been as close as usual, BUT we see each other almost every weekend because we're in the same group all the time. We were fairly friendly to each other when we even saw each other last weekend. Apparently, that doesn't garner any level of respect for one another. This particularly disturbs me since she's invited to pretty much anything I ever plan, even ones to my house. Still, not as big an issue. The main and most prominent issue lies in the absolute refusal of anybody to tell me anything. Whenever anyone would begin to talk about it, I would hear little shushes take place all over the room. Really? It's not blasphemy if someone doesn't want me there. But the lying. And the blame. I'm just hurt about all these feelings that seem to be piling up on me lately.

Another thing I can add to is stupidity. I just... don't know why I don't process how things normally work... in my head. Just today, my teacher questioned me about whether I cut his class yesterday. Actually, it wasn't a question, but rather a full-blown accusation. I should've just said I went home early that day because I wasn't feeling well because it honestly was the truth. Of course my little bird brain doesn't think things through, and instead I told him I was making up a test that period... I really hope he doesn't call the FAKE teacher on the pass I'm handing him tomorrow because I will die. I don't know why he gives me so much trouble anyways. The class is... ORCHESTRA. Does that really uphold any sort of power, because I really didn't think it did. And the seniors of the class don't even do anything significant. The class is playing graduation music, something we are not doing. Him giving me a ten minute speech on all of this is also frustrating since just two years before, my brother cut his class several times... in a week. This is the one and only time I've ever cut his class, and of course I'm penalized. He never notices when his other students are clearly missing, but as soon as the one student who's got nothing to do anyways just wants to go home because she's clearly miserable, the metaphorical shit hits the metaphorically stupid fan. I would like to take that shit and throw it in his face. Gosh.

I mean, I've had several problems with this man. I definitely can't over how much of an overall asshole he is. We had our spring concert a couple of weeks ago, and I can honestly say that I wanted to punch my teacher in the face. While everyone else was so cordial and sweet about my last concert, he couldn't have made it any more unbearable. He gave every senior these speeches about how much they've achieved in their four years, and how he'll miss every single one of them. These speeches were approximately five minutes long. Mine was one. Now, I'm definitely not trying to brag here, but I can't believe he couldn't think of more than two nice things to say about me, and even then they were required... I would have to say that in terms of music, I'm one of the most accoladed students in the orchestra. I've been in All States for two years, and Regions for three. I was even first chair for my last year of Regions, while I was third for All States, technically making me the third best in state. Granted, there are probably hundreds of high school bassists better than I am who are too bothered to try out for the orchestra, but I still garnered recognition. The teacher barely mentioned these, even though I'm the only student in the orchestra to even make All States. Also, I'm going to a fairly decent university. Yeah, apparently not. That just gets swept under the rug as though it's no big deal... And while he said all these things about what these seniors have contributed to the orchestra, he didn't say one nice thing about me. He didn't even say that he would miss me or that the orchestra would be incomplete at all. Overall, the experience was like a slap in the face. I can't believe I even spent four years of my life in such a shitty orchestra that doesn't even respect any form of achievements I made, or respect me at all. And then this teacher has the audacity to say he shows me respect? I'm just glad I'm done with his class because frankly, I absolutely abhorred it. If it weren't for a select group of people in that class, I would've probably kicked his face in by now. And for those people, I truly am thankful.

Oh, and on an even weirder note, I've been constantly getting yelled at by my parents. I hate this whole double standard of the sexes that lies within an Asian household. I came home around... 1 am on a Friday night. I do understand that this is slightly late, but I thought that wasn't a big deal because a)I come home at around 11 almost always, so one time shouldn't be a big deal, and b) my brother constantly returns to the Chung household at approximately... the break of dawn. Honestly, he'll be home at 4 am, AT THE EARLIEST, and he doesn't get questioned by it. On the other hand, I get a "stern talking-to" because "I need to be more aware of my surroundings as a woman". So I have a vagina clause, and it states that because I have the ability to become pregnant, I deserve more stipulations than my male counterparts. So while I have to face the wrath of the parental units until about 11:30, I end up staying up later anyways because I can't go to sleep. In comes my brother and his friends at 3:30 am, and my parents feed all of them and have a jolly old time with them, complete with food and beverages! =D Yeah, not cool. This isn't the only scenario in which I get in trouble, but these issues are pointless since I'll be leaving in three months regardless. Still, I can't stand this prejudice against me simply because the parental units don't believe I can have good judgement.

Also, the family's running pretty low on cash nowadays. I figure that since I'm already telling so much about myself, I might as well keep on going. My brother was just recently in a car accident (and by recently I mean today), and apparently the repair job is going to cost 6k... This is on top of the other thing that needs to be fixed in one of our other cars, making this week's auto repairs total 6400. Great, right? And on top of that, I'm going to college in less than three months, my brother will start his next year in the same amount of time, my father's not getting a raise for the next five years, and my mother doesn't work. This is horrible. I suppose it's just another thing going wrong lately. I mean, my father HATES his job, and yet he still goes every single day because there's no way our family could've lived as great of a life as it has now. I definitely hope that I can pay him back fully in the future, especially since he's let me go to the college of my dreams. Still, I know he hates getting up at six in the morning and coming home at seven at night for a profession that's completely atrocious. He's worked there for ten years, and they give him a plaque for his dedication and hard work. AN EFFING PLAQUE. No new office, no raise, no bonus, but a motherfucking plaque. I feel terrible for him, but there's nothing I can do at this stage in my life. I'm still too dependent.

I really... just can't wait to leave this town and everything behind. It's horrible. I tell myself to look positively on things, and that will reflect my own experience, but some days I just can't take it. Hahaha, I know, I know, I'm completely bipolar. Mental disorder or not, I feel like there's only so much I can take sometimes. Granted, the whole situation isn't that big of a deal, but the idea of it is. I can't seem to escape from such minute and insignificant ordeals that apparently only cause me pain. There are always these little incidents, and I try not to think about them, but then they snowball in my head and just pile on top of each other, creating this abominable snowman-like barrage of feelings. I do tend to wonder if I bring it upon myself, but I've been non-confrontational and fairly friendly as of late. I don't think I've done anything wrong to face the wrath of karma either, so I don't know what it is this time. Until then. I'll try to be a better person and look happily upon life. It's tough, but I'm sure I can get through it.