Sunday, June 27, 2010

Insert Clever Title Here

It is 11:05 and I have absolutely nothing to do. I actually have a surprisingly large amount of energy, so I decided to put that to good use. Is a blog post the most productive thing I could do with my time? Probably not. Why do I like rhetorical questions so much? I think I'm a loser.

Anyways. I actually think I had a lot of fun today. Nothing crazy happened, but I think that I was myself. I wasn't pretending to be cool, or trying to be ridiculously funny. I was just me. And I feel like I haven't been able to be that way in a long time. Granted, I was only like this for an hour or so, but it still felt nice. It's annoying to have to put on this sort of... persona for others. I feel like people can't get to know who I really am because I think that they would be weirded out by what they find. I'm the person who likes staring in the mirror and making ridiculous faces, to see which one of them is the silliest. I like bumping up the music in my car like a bamf and singing along even though I'm practically tone deaf. I don't necessarily like farting, but sometimes, I like being by myself long enough to be able to. I definitely don't think that people have this "cool" image of me, but I still think they have a certain idea, and that bothers me.

I actually don't like the person I've been made out to be. I'm always the loud, obnoxious asian girl who doesn't know who to shut up. I'll always say the dumbest things and act in a ditzy manner. I don't really think anyone respects me. I don't like how it seems like I should always be talking. I honestly prefer listening to what everyone around me has to say. I'm a very curious person, but then I feel like I'm forced to talk constantly, and I really don't like it all to much. The sound of my voice annoys me, so I can't imagine what it's like for others. I just hate awkward silences though, so I try to fill them up as much as possible. Because I've been in North Brunswick for so long and people have had this image of me since I was like ten, I thought I was stuck to be this way forever. That's probably one of the reasons why I was so excited to go to college. I could make a different name for myself, one that I was happy with. I don't like how I'm perceived by others, but I'm the only person who can change that.

I always have this desire/need to please others. I don't know if I'm successful all the time, but I try to accommodate my plans according to everyone else, attempt to be funny so that people will laugh, and put on makeup or style my hair because I want people to think I look nice. I don't think I do anything to necessarily make myself happy, and that saddens me. I should have the option to do whatever I want because I want to, but I'm stuck in trying to make anyone but myself happy. I don't even think I make anyone that happy.

This post seems to be a bit on the sad side, but I didn't mean for it to be that way. I just think that I've been able to be myself more lately, and it feels nice. However, I do feel quite ignored lately. I try to make plans with people all the time because I want to see them, and it seems like no one appreciates my efforts. I shouldn't have to do all the work in a friendship, and yet it seems all too easy to cancel on anything I ever try to plan. I know it's not personal when someone says they can't make something, but I try so hard to be a good friend, and I feel as though my efforts are disregarded. I'm probably being too sensitive yet again, but I'm someone who needs the companionship of others. I don't want to admit it, but I'm very dependent on those around me, so when I feel like someone blatantly ignores me or doesn't want to see me, I'm like an injured puppy. It actually hurts me a lot. I think I'm going to work on this issue when I'm more in college since it is such an independent environment, but it's just something with which I've always had an issue.

Again, this post is really scattered, but I don't really know what else to say! This week was pretty hectic though. A couple of graduation parties, a couple of small hang outs, and one day of absolute boredom. All in all, I would have to say that I really want to make sure that I see all of the people I want to see before I go to South Korea, but I'm not sure if that's possible at this rate. Still, if anyone wants to see me, make plans now! I'm leaving July 16th, and I definitely won't have much time when I come back. Argh, everything's moving so quickly. Time won't wait for me, and I can't afford to wait for anyone else, so hopefully people will catch up. =)

No comments:

Post a Comment