Wednesday, June 23, 2010

That winding road

So... I realized that my last post was dealing a bit too much with the sudden future, and that maybe I should take a few steps forward. I think I'll go ahead and tell you guy(s) what I want to make of myself in the next fifteen years.

I don't want to come to my high school reunion unless I'm supah rich, supah fine, and supah successful. Vain, I know. Still, I can't imagine coming back to North Brunswick without having made a name for myself somehow. And yet, I think I know all too well the reality of what is to come.

I'll probably have a typical 9-5 job, perhaps even longer, and I'll make enough money to get by. I doubt that I'll make that much money, since that would require me creating something substantial. It frightens me to think about it, but I'm average at best. I'll never be anything more than one of those office drones who can do basic remedial tasks. I'm not going to be the person to find the cure for cancer, or a faster and more efficient way to process complex information. I just won't be someone, and that's one of my biggest fears.

I'll want to have a healthy marriage, a child, and a comfy home. Honestly, the thing that means the most to me is stability. I want to be able to provide for the family I have and not have to worry about things like money. I don't think that's too much to ask for, but I don't really see anyone around me with all of these things. First off, I'll have to find someone insane enough to want to marry me. That's going to be tough. For someone like me who has yet to be in a relationship, there is no hope. And if there is no hope for a husband, then there's also none for a child. It just seems like all the things I want most in life are just so far away. I feel like these things can't be accomplished in the amount of time that I have. And I'm still only seventeen.

Is it possible that I think too much into things? Definitely, but I honestly can't live life constantly looking towards the future. I prefer looking down at my feet, where I can see them. I can only be in the present because that's all I know. I'm scared. Scared that I'll fail. Scared that somehow I'll make a wrong turn somewhere and won't be able to find my way back. I just go as long as I keep getting pushed by time. I try not to look behind me, since that path is only filled with regret, but I don't look forward either.

I hate thinking about the future because it reminds me that I have so much more to do, and yet a limited amount of time. I want that stable environment, filled with happiness at even the most minute things. For now, I can work towards that goal and hope that everything will turn out all right, but I can't think about it. I can't be afraid. So, to what I want my future to be like: I want to be able to have no worries.

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