Wednesday, June 9, 2010

TWO WALL POSTS??

Today was the last full day of high school. I always thought I'd love for this day to come, but it somehow got to me. The word "ever" echoed in my head. Ever. This is the last full day of high school... ever. I actually got slightly emotional after hearing this. To think that I'm already at this stage in my life, I honestly can't believe it. It's been such a long journey to this point.

I was always an... angsty kid. I can only assumed that it stemmed from my issues as a fat kid, and also that I was a complete brat. Oh, I'm not kidding anyone I think. I'm still a brat =) But moving on.... I didn't really have that many friends in elementary and middle school, and so I was pretty clingy to the friends I have. I think that's why I've been so judgemental in my high school career. I just have these high expectations from my friends. I hate the feeling of being unwanted, so I always want to feel as though people are making an effort to approach me.

Even now, I'm ridiculously insecure when it comes to the friendships I have, and I'm sure it bothers a ton of them when I always wait for them to say hi, or for them to see me first, but I can't help it. These issues are so deep-rooted that I just constantly feel unloved. But enough about this. Graduation should be a joyous moment! I think what I was trying to convey through this introspection is that I think I've matured a bit as a person, and that I really have gone through a lot to get here. I would like to think that maybe I've become less clingy, and that I'm able to reciprocate my feelings more towards others. Friends, feelings, and futures. All of these things have drastically changed.

There are a million other paths I could have taken to get to this point, but none of that matters now. I could sit down and write about all of the things I regret, but what would that do? It would put me in a bad mood and fix absolutely nothing. For now, I just want to plan ahead, think about what it is that I want to do with my life. In that sense, I'm stuck in a bit of a rut. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do in life, and time is quickly running out. I think it's pretty weird that I haven't had that spark go off in my head, telling me what it is that I want to do. That moment hasn't happened yet, but I'll be waiting. I just want to have a secure lifestyle, if that makes sense. Of course it would be nice to be filthy rich, but I never want to have to run into money troubles or have my child give up her dreams because I can't afford it. That would be too unbearable. Anyways, I think I might do something in business, but I can't see myself enjoying it by any means. This is such a difficult task to do, but I realize that deciding my future is becoming more and more of a daunting issue. I can only hope that something in college will enlighten me at this point.

Mmm, so this is a filler paragraph because I'm very tired =(


Right now it's as though I'm in a car that's moving at light speed, and it's moments like these that make me slow down and think a little bit. Writing these blogs are kind of... relaxing, if that makes sense. It's like an open diary of some sort. I doubt anybody really reads mine, but hopefully someone enjoys it? =)

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