Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Way too much time to think

It's official. Today was a horrible day.

A gross habit of mine is biting my nails, and when I'm particularly stressed out, you can be sure to see me hardcore gnawing. Right now, my nails are about down to stubs, so it's safe to say I've been a little worried.

It turns out another person hates me and refuses to tell me yet again. I honestly would prefer if someone told me she disliked me at this stage in my life. I don't need such nonsensical drama, especially so close to the finish line. We don't have to be friends if you don't like it. Not such a terrible ordeal. I think I'm trying to be more.. forgiving of others, and not be so quick to shun people. I realize now that I'm definitely way too quick to judge people, and that's just a horrible trait to possess. I want to be someone who's understanding instead of jumping to conclusions. What does that say about myself if I'm the one who isolates others?

Anyways, the issue is that this girl is having a little shin-dig at her beach-house after prom. Not a huge deal, right? What she's fail to do, is to ever tell me that this was happening. A little... complicated. I don't really mind not being invited. It's just prom. But what I do have a problem with is being blatantly lied to. The girl and I have a pretty similar group of friends, and obviously I was bound to hear it either way... What I'm offended about is that I confronted her directly instead of just asking around. I told her that if she didn't want to spend time with me the day after prom, she didn't have to, but that I would like for her to tell me the truth. Instead, I was the one who was given an attitude as though I did something wrong. I honestly can't understand what I did poorly in this situation. I said it was okay if there was some reason for not wanting to see me, the statement was said in a calm and rational manner, and I didn't go around talking about her behind my back, even though these things were told to me from other people. I would like to think I handled things in a fairly mature manner, but was treated like I was attacking.

Honestly, I heard little inklings of this event a month ago, and yet she still refused to say anything when I blatantly asked her what she would be doing after prom... I just hate being lied to. I understand that we haven't been as close as usual, BUT we see each other almost every weekend because we're in the same group all the time. We were fairly friendly to each other when we even saw each other last weekend. Apparently, that doesn't garner any level of respect for one another. This particularly disturbs me since she's invited to pretty much anything I ever plan, even ones to my house. Still, not as big an issue. The main and most prominent issue lies in the absolute refusal of anybody to tell me anything. Whenever anyone would begin to talk about it, I would hear little shushes take place all over the room. Really? It's not blasphemy if someone doesn't want me there. But the lying. And the blame. I'm just hurt about all these feelings that seem to be piling up on me lately.

Another thing I can add to is stupidity. I just... don't know why I don't process how things normally work... in my head. Just today, my teacher questioned me about whether I cut his class yesterday. Actually, it wasn't a question, but rather a full-blown accusation. I should've just said I went home early that day because I wasn't feeling well because it honestly was the truth. Of course my little bird brain doesn't think things through, and instead I told him I was making up a test that period... I really hope he doesn't call the FAKE teacher on the pass I'm handing him tomorrow because I will die. I don't know why he gives me so much trouble anyways. The class is... ORCHESTRA. Does that really uphold any sort of power, because I really didn't think it did. And the seniors of the class don't even do anything significant. The class is playing graduation music, something we are not doing. Him giving me a ten minute speech on all of this is also frustrating since just two years before, my brother cut his class several times... in a week. This is the one and only time I've ever cut his class, and of course I'm penalized. He never notices when his other students are clearly missing, but as soon as the one student who's got nothing to do anyways just wants to go home because she's clearly miserable, the metaphorical shit hits the metaphorically stupid fan. I would like to take that shit and throw it in his face. Gosh.

I mean, I've had several problems with this man. I definitely can't over how much of an overall asshole he is. We had our spring concert a couple of weeks ago, and I can honestly say that I wanted to punch my teacher in the face. While everyone else was so cordial and sweet about my last concert, he couldn't have made it any more unbearable. He gave every senior these speeches about how much they've achieved in their four years, and how he'll miss every single one of them. These speeches were approximately five minutes long. Mine was one. Now, I'm definitely not trying to brag here, but I can't believe he couldn't think of more than two nice things to say about me, and even then they were required... I would have to say that in terms of music, I'm one of the most accoladed students in the orchestra. I've been in All States for two years, and Regions for three. I was even first chair for my last year of Regions, while I was third for All States, technically making me the third best in state. Granted, there are probably hundreds of high school bassists better than I am who are too bothered to try out for the orchestra, but I still garnered recognition. The teacher barely mentioned these, even though I'm the only student in the orchestra to even make All States. Also, I'm going to a fairly decent university. Yeah, apparently not. That just gets swept under the rug as though it's no big deal... And while he said all these things about what these seniors have contributed to the orchestra, he didn't say one nice thing about me. He didn't even say that he would miss me or that the orchestra would be incomplete at all. Overall, the experience was like a slap in the face. I can't believe I even spent four years of my life in such a shitty orchestra that doesn't even respect any form of achievements I made, or respect me at all. And then this teacher has the audacity to say he shows me respect? I'm just glad I'm done with his class because frankly, I absolutely abhorred it. If it weren't for a select group of people in that class, I would've probably kicked his face in by now. And for those people, I truly am thankful.

Oh, and on an even weirder note, I've been constantly getting yelled at by my parents. I hate this whole double standard of the sexes that lies within an Asian household. I came home around... 1 am on a Friday night. I do understand that this is slightly late, but I thought that wasn't a big deal because a)I come home at around 11 almost always, so one time shouldn't be a big deal, and b) my brother constantly returns to the Chung household at approximately... the break of dawn. Honestly, he'll be home at 4 am, AT THE EARLIEST, and he doesn't get questioned by it. On the other hand, I get a "stern talking-to" because "I need to be more aware of my surroundings as a woman". So I have a vagina clause, and it states that because I have the ability to become pregnant, I deserve more stipulations than my male counterparts. So while I have to face the wrath of the parental units until about 11:30, I end up staying up later anyways because I can't go to sleep. In comes my brother and his friends at 3:30 am, and my parents feed all of them and have a jolly old time with them, complete with food and beverages! =D Yeah, not cool. This isn't the only scenario in which I get in trouble, but these issues are pointless since I'll be leaving in three months regardless. Still, I can't stand this prejudice against me simply because the parental units don't believe I can have good judgement.


Also, the family's running pretty low on cash nowadays. I figure that since I'm already telling so much about myself, I might as well keep on going. My brother was just recently in a car accident (and by recently I mean today), and apparently the repair job is going to cost 6k... This is on top of the other thing that needs to be fixed in one of our other cars, making this week's auto repairs total 6400. Great, right? And on top of that, I'm going to college in less than three months, my brother will start his next year in the same amount of time, my father's not getting a raise for the next five years, and my mother doesn't work. This is horrible. I suppose it's just another thing going wrong lately. I mean, my father HATES his job, and yet he still goes every single day because there's no way our family could've lived as great of a life as it has now. I definitely hope that I can pay him back fully in the future, especially since he's let me go to the college of my dreams. Still, I know he hates getting up at six in the morning and coming home at seven at night for a profession that's completely atrocious. He's worked there for ten years, and they give him a plaque for his dedication and hard work. AN EFFING PLAQUE. No new office, no raise, no bonus, but a motherfucking plaque. I feel terrible for him, but there's nothing I can do at this stage in my life. I'm still too dependent.

I really... just can't wait to leave this town and everything behind. It's horrible. I tell myself to look positively on things, and that will reflect my own experience, but some days I just can't take it. Hahaha, I know, I know, I'm completely bipolar. Mental disorder or not, I feel like there's only so much I can take sometimes. Granted, the whole situation isn't that big of a deal, but the idea of it is. I can't seem to escape from such minute and insignificant ordeals that apparently only cause me pain. There are always these little incidents, and I try not to think about them, but then they snowball in my head and just pile on top of each other, creating this abominable snowman-like barrage of feelings. I do tend to wonder if I bring it upon myself, but I've been non-confrontational and fairly friendly as of late. I don't think I've done anything wrong to face the wrath of karma either, so I don't know what it is this time. Until then. I'll try to be a better person and look happily upon life. It's tough, but I'm sure I can get through it.

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