I was talking with Alice about how much I fail with boys. It's pretty funny (pathetic) how I've managed to stay single for the past four years of my life. I don't know how wrong this sounds, but I get upset when I see atrociously ugly couples. It's like, if they can find each other, why can't I find anyone? I don't think I'm the cream of the crop, but I certainly don't think I'm the worst option. And yet it seems as though I am. I have the statistics to prove it. No boy ever likes me. I don't know what vibe it is that I give off. It must be a smelly one, since they all stay away from me.
I even got a question asking me who were all of the boys I had crushed on in NBTHS. I wondered if I should have answered truthfully, and list all of them. But I don't know what counts as a crush or not. I feel like I only "liked" some guys because I thought they had an interest in me. And most of the time, I don't want to admit I like a specific person because more often than not, he would probably be creeped out if I thought that way. If I've shown any inclination towards a guy, I guess I would count it.
But it's weird. I feel as though lately, I've had an influx of guys tell me that I'm pretty... I definitely don't mean for this to sound as though I'm bragging, but I just don't understand. Where were all of these guys the past few years, when I felt like I was the ugliest person in the entire school. I can't help but look in a mirror at least once every thirty minutes. I always look at what I'm unhappy with. My fat stomach, my thunder thighs, my small eyes, my big nose, and my abnormally broad shoulders which are attached to my fat upper arms. I don't think I'm terribly ugly anymore, but I highly doubt anyone finds me that attractive. And for random people to say it now... Well, it's just plain weird.
I guess it goes back to how much I hate never having a relationship in high school. I always felt out of place when everyone would talk about things like one month anniversaries or how terrible the break-ups were. I wish someone would just tell me what it is that makes me so undateable, even if the truth was offensive. Most of my friends tell me it's not a big deal, and that their relationships ended for the worse. Still, that doesn't mean that all of it was terrible. It meant that someone liked you enough to want to be in a relationship, that you weren't just one person. You were a part of a couple. I've never know what the feels like, and it makes me sad.
Back to real life. I'm leaving to go back to the homeland in approximately four days. I leave at 6:00pm on August 15th for the airport. I highly suggest for people to either write on my wall or e-mail me, as I'll be ridiculously alone. I barely know how to speak Korean, so I'm due for a rough time. If anyone does read this, please e-mail me, or write on my facebook wall! I promise to respond. Haha, I definitely don't know what I'm in for. I bet I'll be mistaken for a prostitute when I walk down the streets of Seoul, except for some reason I think I would be complimented... Anyways, I think that I'll blog every couple of days from there to talk about what's happening, but I doubt much will occur. I have the vocabulary of a disrespectful five year old, so I'm pretty sure hilarity will ensue. Wish me luck and pray that I don't die from embarrassment.