Saturday, July 3, 2010

This can't be good for my health.

As I had a texting conversation with someone spanning from 9:00pm to 3:00am, I think I noticed a couple of things.

I act in different ways based on the people by whom I'm surrounded. I don't know if I really come off the way that I intend, but I try to act cooler around my cooler friends, and smarter around my smart friends. I doubt that I'm really that successful at it, but I still do it. It makes me wonder if I adapt myself to the situation at hand, or if this is just some desperate attempt for me to want to conform. I think it's the latter.

I can't imagine anyone liking me exactly the way that I am. That's how I was when I was younger, and I had absolutely no friends. I would consider myself a very unfriendly person at heart, someone who much prefers staying at home and being an introvert. I realized early on that I would be all alone if I did that, and I couldn't stand to live that way. So, I try as hard as I can to get people to like me. I think that I'm pretty successful most of the time, but I became more aware of my... fakeness.

I try to appear more innocent to the people who would look at me differently if they knew half of the things I do, but then try to look badass to the ones who would scoff at the lack of things I've done. I'm loud and obnoxious so that people will remember me more than anyone else, and I make a conscious effort to meet new people so I appear friendly and sincere.

I don't necessarily understand why I'm so afraid of people disliking me. My insecurity and fear probably brings about more issues than if I didn't give a damn. I like to blame it on my having a vagina, but I think there's a deeper issue. What it is, I don't know. As corny as it sounds, I just wish I could be myself, or at the very least, the same fake person to everybody. I'm sure people would come up to me and tell me that they like me as I am, but I'm sure that's a lie. I'm cynical, critical, and above all, just a plain old loser.

I realize now that this post is a bit on the Debbie Downer side, but it's just something I noticed recently. Does anyone else feel this way sometimes, as though you're forced to act in a certain manner because you're terrified no one will like you as you are?

On an unrelated note, I seriously need to fix my sleeping pattern. I woke up at four thirty today, and it took me a lot of willpower to get up even at that time. And now it's three thirty and I'm pretty sure I won't go to sleep for at least another hour. Should I stay up the entire day so that I'll fall asleep at a normal time, or is there a better solution? Also, my brother has yet to show up. So I get incessantly yelled at and punished for being out until 2:35, and I'm fairly positive nothing will happen to him. Oh, the woes of a female in an Asian household. This reminds me of something though.

Yesterday, Katherine Ebright walked 2.1 miles to my house because I told her I was absolutely bored out of my mind. My parents had put me on lockdown for a day and absolutely forbid me from leaving the house. We had previous plans to go to the mall with two other people, but the family unit didn't care. Although I calmly tried to rationalized with them and offer alternative solutions, they didn't listen to anything I had to say. I had to abruptly cancel on people I hadn't seen in four weeks. I felt disrespected, because my parents had no thought of giving any consideration to my plans or how I felt about the entire situation. I proposed fairly reasonable ideas, apologized for my actions, and promised I wouldn't do it again. They proceeded to yell at me and tell me that I'm completely irresponsible and don't deserve any of the privileges I have. I was more upset that they clearly don't trust me to take care of myself over anything else. I understand that it was bad that I was out past 2:00, but I wasn't doing anything illegal, or even remotely irresponsible. I know how to take care of myself, but my parents don't trust me to do that. My mother still refuses to get into the car with me because she thinks I'll get into an accident. My brother got into an accident and my father received a ticket, and yet they all assume that I'm the one who put the dent in the car. Anyways, I realize I'm getting off topic.

As I was being miserable at home, Katherine decided to come all the way to my house in the blistering heat. I honestly had never felt more appreciated in my life. I'm sure she did it because she had nothing to do and figured it wasn't too much to do, but it meant a lot to me. It meant that someone cared that I was in a terrible mood, and actually wanted to see me. As stupid as it sounds, I was touched. I think that having such amazing friends is one of the reasons why I can be happy once in a while, despite how cynical I am. I don't really think I deserve the good company of others, but it feels great to know that some people don't mind seeing me. All right, I think I'm done now. This post is so scattered. I really need to find a job. Or another hobby. Or maybe a life.

No comments:

Post a Comment