Friday, August 13, 2010

Rant (lol)

I think I enjoy acting like a whore. Is that a weird thing to say? This probably sounds like it's coming slightly out of left field, but it's something that's been on my mind for a little while, and I thought I'd try blogging about it and see if I feel better. I definitely wouldn't call myself an actual whore, but like a whore... poser.

I know this is completely random to think about, but it's like, I'm one of those people who talks a big game (aka screams penis all the time), but doesn't actually do anything. But I've had perfect opportunities to do so, and I just don't take them. I don't exactly know why either. Like yesterday. This guy I'd been talking to for a while came all the way to my house at one in the morning. As creepy as that sounds, it was actually really sweet, and quite possibly one of the best memories I've had so far. I always had the impression that the guy was the player/heart-breaker kind of guy, but I was pleasantly surprised. All he did was hold my hand and listen to me talk, all while under the night sky. He didn't try to pressure me to do anything, or make me feel uncomfortable in the slightest way. But a part of me really wished something did happen. Why? BECAUSE I'M A WANNABE SLUT. Hahaha, but seriously, it doesn't help that he's ridiculously cute and apparently thinks I'm adorable. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Apparently failing.

But that's one of the few things on my mind. *Insert somewhat good transition here that I totally can't think of* It's fairly unrelated to this next topic... Bitchassness. Now, I don't generally like to quote P-Diddy, but I do think that the occasion does call for it at this time. There is this guy... I shall dub him Guy A. I'll name the friend Guy B. So, I was on Skype a couple of days ago and vidchat with Guy B. It was the first time we had done so since I had gone to Korea, and it was nice just talking. HOWEVER, Guy B asks me if I've been a "naughty girl" lately, to which my response is, "... what the fuck." Instantly, alarms start ringing off in my head. I don't think he would randomly bullshit me and just try to mess with me, so I already knew: someone said something. Gah. I hate people who can't keep their mouths shut. I guess I don't really do that well either, but when it comes to certain things, I think they're better left unsaid. But back to the story.

Guy A and I never did anything together, but we did have the occasional... phone sex. DISGUSTING, I KNOW. I don't know why I ever did it, or how I even found it appealing, but it still happened. It's not really my proudest moment lol, but I figured that as long as it was never mentioned again, that I wouldn't have to think about it. Well, clearly that doesn't occur. So, as I'm wondering just what the heck Guy B is talking about, it turns out that Guy A TOLD Guy B about what happened. This pissed me off for various reasons: the guy has a girlfriend, one with whom I'm actually good friends, so I figured it was one of those "DON'T EVER TELL ANYONE THIS HAPPENED" kind of thing. Also, I remember specifically telling Guy A NOT to say anything, even to his supposed best friend. He told me not to worry, especially since he wouldn't tell his best friend because he's "unreliable" and can't keep his mouth shut.. O RLY?

I just don't really understand why he would tell Guy B. I mean, I seriously have to wonder if A's a moron. Why would you go and tell one of the ridiculously few mutual friends that we have, especially one that would tell me about this because he's one of my good friends? Also, is A a girl? I mean, can he not keep his mouth shut about the most minute gossip? I can't even begin to understand how this could be something worth bragging about. If anything, it's mortifying for both parties. But of course, Guy A told Guy B every grotesque detail about it. I can't believe he's that stupid.

I'm sure anybody who's reading this just thinks I'm the moron and wonders why I even did it in the first place. To be honest, I can't really explain. As weird/wrong the thing I did was, I guess I... expected it. I don't know how to react when some guy is just constantly showering me with compliments, telling me how pretty I am and how I'm perfect in every single way. I feel like it was only natural to want to do something back... LOL THAT SOUNDS REALLY GROSS. I think I'll just stop talking about this topic altogether. I think I just needed to let off some steam about this, and it seems stupid to do that on something that's fairly public like a blog.

One of my friends said she liked my blog because I would be the only to openly talk about anything and everything that goes on in my life... And I think that's the only way I would want it. I mean, if I didn't, then what the hell would I have to talk about? I love that people actually do take time to read this posts, and I think the least I could do is at least be honest, with both myself and others. And now I think I'll end this with things I've been liking.

Things I've been enjoying lately:

1) Consistency. As weird as this sounds, I like knowing that something is predictable. Whether it's coming home to an understanding father in the midst of a critical relatives, or going online and having certain people im-ing you every day. Even if it's not the most stimulating conversation, it makes me think that they care enough to always be there.

2) Fuzzy feelings. As LOSER-ISH as this one sounds, I think that feeling giddy is definitely a way to feel like a girl again. That small touch on the hip, or that insanely adorable text message. Either way, I just feel... happy. And it seems as though that hasn't been as easy as it used to be. I really enjoy the small times where you can relish the moment a bit.

3) Phones. I think it's because I was in Korea with no cell phone, but I've fallen in love with texting and calling. I actually felt ridiculously popular (hu hu hu) when a few of my friends called me while I was at the movies today. While this is complete poppycock and I am incredibly pathetic, I seriously am glad where I can just whip out my phone and attempt to contact someone I know instead of faking it with the phone I had in Korea. Good times... Goooood times. Not.

4)Blackmail. Muahahahah. Yeah, I'm definitely just a female dick. I made someone feel guilty about not getting me a birthday gift even though my birthday had been over a week ago, and she gave me a gift today... at someone else's birthday party. And then I made a bet that I knew the other person would lose, just so I would get a free movie ticket. I would say that I do all these things because I'm an evil mastermind, but even I can't kid myself. I know I'm dumb. But even dumb people can be douchebags =D

5) Jeggings. My ever expanding waistline has been exceptionally unforgiving lately, and the only pair of pants I seem to be willing to wear out are my jean leggings. I don't particularly think that it is appropriate bottoms, but it's nice to wear something that stretches with my fat ass. The only thing that bothers me is that when I try to scratch my leg, my fingernails turn blue from the material. What bull.

This post was a bit different than the normal ones I do, but there were a few things I wanted to just get off of my mind. And into your pants ;)

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