Sunday, September 26, 2010

It's been too long.

So, I haven't written a legitimate blog post in what feels like years. I promised myself that I would keep an internet diary-esque contraption so I could look back on what I've been doing since I got to college. Clearly, that's failed. But I guess I can't really blame myself. Things are just overall too too hectic over here. I have prelims, which is the equivalent of midterms, in the next two days. I have my Calc I exam at seven on Tuesday, and then my Oceanography one the next day. Kills me now pureeeeeseeeee.

Hmm, what is there to tell about my life? I would say... a lot of things. Things I'm not so proud of for the most part, and some things that have just made me happy. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? Haha, I guess I can just talk about everything. To start with, I had one of the worst days of my life on Thursday night. I realized how much I had let my studies deteriorate and I was about to break down in tears. I received four 0's for my micro class in the span of twenty minutes. And before that, someone had stolen my mathematics textbook, and so I had to pay for the lost one and then buy another one. I also had a 0 for the class since I couldn't do the homework without the book. The only thing keeping me from crying myself to sleep were the friendly thoughts of my friends. One of my suitemates was about to leave a note on my wall, telling me that she'll always be there whenever I need her, and I almost teared up from how touched I was. She really does care about me, and I can't imagine not having her in my life. Another one of my suitemates texted me telling me she loved me. I love the bonds I've created since I got here. It really does mean a lot.

Overall, I definitely need to try to do well for my prelims this week. That's been the primary focus, but I've definitely been trying to wash away my worries with alcohol this weekend. The partying scene at Cornell is very... interesting. I would say that it's not exclusive by any means, but that would be a lie. Sometimes, you have to know a brother to go to a frat, or you have to arrive exactly when the party starts to get in. Still, it's really not that hard to do, and alcohol is present constantly. While I don't particularly drink Keystone, I do end up drinking something by the end of the night. This weekend was fairly... interesting. I don't really know how else to put it. At first, I went to this party at a place calling Rockledge. It was a Glo-party themed event, and blacklights lit up the various white shirts in the room. It was average at best. I thought the idea of the party would be fun, and I did enjoy dancing with my gays (lol), but there were a few too many ugly dudes trying to grind up on chicks. I found myself literally disgusted by the guys trying to grab at my vagina while on the dance floor. People seriously need to find some restraint. fjdksafjdlksa. It reminded me of the highlighter party I had gone to last Friday, and how this one creeper literally attempted to trap me in a circle. If I didn't have people protecting my ass (both figuratively and literally), I might have been in a sticky situation. I'm definitely just full of sexual puns today.

From Rockledge, I went with a couple of my gay friends to Homo-coming. Yes, homo-coming. I found it hilarious, but apparently, my role as an honorary fag hag required my presence. I didn't really mind going, as the Glo-party was getting to the point where dancing the night away with uggos seemed a bit too pathetic. I actually ended up meeting my RA there, which was a hilarious experience. I knew he was going, but he clearly pregamed before attending. I loved every second of it. He comes up to me and instantly asks me if I'm drunk. When I say that I hadn't drank that much, he shoved a flask in my face and told me to drink to my heart's content. Clearly, he's the best RA ever. We ended up grinding the night away while completely shitfaced, but don't be misled! His boyfriend from back home has his heart. It's just my job as a hag to shake dat ass. I seriously love dancing with the gays. It's quite possibly one of the best experiences that I can have on the dance floor. Of course, being drunk makes it all the more better.

We ended up going to the after-party for homo-coming, which was hilarious in itself. I ended up running into the first chair bassist while on the way there, and I dragged him to it, even though it clearly wasn't the right place to take a fellow orchestra member. He did leave after a little bit, but what happened afterward was the funniest part. I don't know how, but I apparently am able to still "get some" even in a room full of gay guys. This random guy grabs me from behind and starts to dance with me as soon as I have a minute to breathe. It turns out he's the only straight guy in the entire place. Of course, my lovely gays were in shock and awe. I definitely did not want to do what he wanted though, and it was ridiculous how much I had to push him off. He was cute, but not that cute. Ben thinks that whenever I leave for more than five seconds, I'm fucking somebody. I'm definitely not that whorey, but I still find it hilarious that he thinks it. Our friendship is oh so lovely, isn't it? Gosh, this post is so scattered.. but I shall move on.

There was... something. Something I definitely shouldn't have done. I cringe at the thought of it, and yet, I did it. I did it twice. I definitely can't get into any details, but I betrayed someone, someone I genuinely like. I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. No, that's a lie. I definitely could have, but I didn't want to. I know that I wanted to do it, and it's not as though I wasn't the one who initiated it. I may not have been the one to start it again a second time, but I didn't resist. I shudder at the thought, and yet I'm not sure if I necessarily regret it. Regardless, I am just... disappointed in myself. I knew I would succumb to something as stupid as that, just because I'm so ridiculously selfish. I don't think of anyone but myself. The only thing I can do now is apologize, although I can never say it to their faces. I'm sorry, really, I am.

So, now what is there to say? Maybe it's karma, but I've been ridiculously sick since I've gotten to college. At first, it was a cold, and then losing my voice, and now this. Not only do I have a horrendous cough, but I also have *cue dramatic music* pinkeye. Yes, pinkeye. Seriously? Who even gets that anymore? All of the people on my floor are treating me like I have the bubonic plague, but they're slowly growing on me again lol. It is highly contagious, but only if I make a lot of contact with my eye and then on various surfaces. But my health has been slowly but surely deteriorating since I've been here, and I can't say that I particularly enjoy. Still, watchu gon' do? Shit happens.

On a brighter note, I think I'd like to talk more about... friends. It's crazy how many different people I've met since I've gotten here, and I can't be all the more grateful. It's too much fun. An example of that is Sam's boyfriend. He freaking goes to Quinnipiac, and we've managed to become best friends already. At first, we only talked via Skype whenever I would bother Sam while he was talking to Mike. We bonded our love for Lady Gaga and his love for me (except not really). Hahah, he would constantly tell me how gorgeous I was, and of course, I couldn't resist him. Mike actually came all the way up to Cornell Friday, and the two couldn't keep their hands off of each other. I'm really glad Sam found such an amazing person to be with. I genuinely love the both of them and can't imagine two better people for each other. I mean, I would say that I don't particularly enjoy it when they sexile me from my own SINGLE, but I guess I'm just too good of a friend. I keep telling myself that worse things have been done on that bed, but the two are still paying for the laundry fee. Oh, bejesus. Still, I had so much fun while Mike was here and I get to add to my fag hag status.

And... my Calc prelim is tomorrow. I'm going to study. And fail tomorrow. But I shall call it a night when it comes to blogging. Hopefully this blog post wasn't too scattered and ridiculous. On a side note, I am ridiculously excited to go back home for fall break! It's only a week from now, but it seems like it's going to take forever. I'll have to go through four prelims before I actually get on the bus back. I don't know how I'll manage, but we shall see. Wish me luck! And until we meet again... =)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Day Ten: 1 confession

Hmm, I don't really have anything I would particularly like to confess. Well, that's actually a blatant lie, but I can't think of something specifically that I should say. There are a few things I could get off of my chest, but there's nothing deep down that I severely need to tell someone. Well, except for maybe the last one. And the ten day challenge is FINALLY finished! I shall do a little dance to celebrate. Okay, I'm done.

1. I had a crush on you. You had a crush on my friend. I hooked up with your friend in retaliation. Lol.

2. I stole that condom from your room. I don't know if you noticed yet, but hopefully you're not too mad at me for it!

3. I feel like we're growing apart and that you're getting tired of me already. I'm worried about our friendship.

Day Nine: 2 smileys that describe your life right now

Ehh, there are definitely more than just two, but here are my top choices:

=D (friends)

:/ (heartbreak)

=*( (prelims)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Day Eight: 3 turn-ons

Hahahahaha. Oh boy. What an awkward blog post. But we shall go through with it!

Biting of the neck. I guess it's the vampire lover in me, but I have some weird sensitivity when it comes to that area... Yeah, I'm creepy =D

Humor. Ahh, I don't know why, but I just love laughing. I consider it a hobby of mine, and I don't think I can ever get tired of having fun. Getting me to laugh is the best way to get into my... heart. Yeah, that's it.

Boobs. 'Nuff said.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Day Seven: 4 things that turn you off

There are actually a decent amount of things that turn me off, but I can't really afford to be pick, now can I? =) Anyways, I know these posts are a bit behind, but college is starting to get the best of me. I think that's a pretty legitimate excuse. If anyone's willing to do my Microeconomics homework, then I'll update my blog daily. =D

Bad breath/BO. That really isn't necessary to explain, but I seriously can't stand girls or guys who smell like complete shit. Even if he looks like Chase Crawford, it don't matter if he smell like a dumpster.

Clingy-ness. I absolutely can't stand it when boys are at every beck and call and have nothing better to do than to latch onto someone. Then again, I really hate it when I can't tell if a guy's interested in me. Hmph, I'm just weird.

Smartasses. You know that kid in class who always acts like he knows everything and is clearly smarter than the teacher? Yeah, then maybe you should be in a higher level class instead of taking the one you're in now, dickweed. Seriously, grow a pair, take off the stupid safari hat, and get a life. Hopefully, that new life involves a schedule without my presence.

Cockiness. Boys who think they're better than others, or too good for girls are just extremely obnoxious. Please, don't humor me. Just fuck off. Ahhhhhh, that probably is my biggest pet peeve out of all of them. Seriously, is it too much to ask for someone who's actually level-headed and not an asshole?

Shyness (Five, I know!). In a way, it turns me on, but shyness gets real annoying when you know someone for a long period of time, and it still feels like you know absolutely nothing about the other person. Also, it's frustrating when you clearly like someone but you can't figure out for the life of you if he could possibly feel the same way.

And... that's it! I shall write another blog post since I actually finished my homework before it's due.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

5 people who mean a lot

Even though she thought I was mad at her over absolutely nothing for about a week or so, I actually really do value Katherine as an amazing friend. I think she's the one who's made the most effort in making sure that we stay friends even while I'm in college. She does say some things that can be offensive, but I know she doesn't do it intentionally and that she's always looking out for me. I just hope she knows how much I appreciate her efforts.

OF COURSE, I have to mention Ben. We almost never run out of things to talk about, have fun laughing at the most stupid things, and in a way we're retarded soulmates. I think my college experience would be pretty different without him. It meant so so much when he stayed the entire night just because I was crying. I can't get over how amazing of a person he is. Apparently, we're good enough friends to bring forks to each other. Now that's love.

I haven't seen her in forever, but I end up missing her all the time! Nthabi seriously is one of my best friends, and I just love her so much. I cried the day we parted, and I know that my life will be worse when she's not there. Gah, I need more people like her in my life. Sweet, caring, and understands my disgusting humor.

Hahaha, Sam's ridiculous sayings always gets me. Even when I'm wearing his poop covered sweater, I still think he's wonderful and we manage to have the most fun even when we're attempting to study at 2:00 in the morning. One thing though: you need to stop stealing my noodos =P

Hmm... as mean as this sounds, I'm not sure if I can think of anyone else to list for this. Maybe I'll figure it out in the morning, but at the moment, I'm too tired. Peaceee

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Day Five: 6 things you wish you'd never done

This is going to be a tough post. I try to stay away from regretting things in the past, but I guess for the sake of this blog, I can attempt to do so. Ahh, I hate opening up old wounds.

Spend more time on my college applications. Of course I'm extremely happy with where I am now, but I still wonder what would've happened if I had put in more effort, tried to the best of my abilities. I feel like I didn't do that, and that's disappointing on my part. I expect more of myself

Tell someone I liked him. Gosh, it's actually really hard for me to say I like someone because the one and only time I did, I got rejected. And for the most part, the guys I have an interest in don't necessarily have an interest in me. I wanted nothing more than for us to be a couple, for him to like me back, and now I'll just wonder what could've been yet again. Unrequited like for two years?? That's excessive, even for me.

This one thing I did at a Super Mash Bros Concert... IT STILL BOTHERS ME EVEN NOW. But it seems like the two of us have made advances, so maybe it's not something I particularly regret all too much.

Have someone roll a joint in my car. It made my parents so disappointed in me, and made me realize how much of an asshole members of my family can be. I'd never felt so betrayed in my life. But it was originally my fault, so I don't really have anyone to blame but myself.

Making so many enemies senior year. I don't really know how I did it, but I did, and it was horrid. I wanted nothing more to be friends with everybody, and it seemed like they all just hated me towards the end of it. I wish graduation would have been a happier experience, and that I would have more fond memories to look back on, instead of petty drama.

Say something to my mother. Right before I left for college, I said something extremely spiteful to her and I want nothing more than to take it back. It was uncalled for, and I'm sure she only blames herself for me saying it. I want her to know that even with our differences, I do love her and that I never should have made her think otherwise.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Day Four: 7 things that cross your mind a lot

Failure: It's only two weeks into the school year, and I already feel as though I'm going to have a really difficult time in a few of my classes. A lot of my friends seem to be doing just fine, so it's especially hard for me when it just seems like I'm the only one not getting it. I think about what would happen if I flunk a class, out of the college, ending up as a homeless person because my parents are too ashamed of their failure of a child.

Happiness: There are certain moments where I truly and genuinely am happy. Whenever I'm more upset than usual, I try to think about a specific moment in which I felt that way. I can look back fondly and appreciate what I have.

Appearance: I'm extremely superficial, and it always gets the best of me. I need to appear my best in front of others. I can't leave my room with no shower, no makeup, no nice clothes. I have to constantly attempt to impress others, and I feel like an ugly hag when I do actually look like a bum and someone sees me. I want to crawl into a hole. I feel like it's a really unhealthy obsession, but I can't really stop. I need to make sure my fat isn't poking out of my jeans, that my bangs haven't separated in an awkward position.

Friendship: I think about the friends with whom I want to keep in contact, who actually care about me. I want to cut out the assholes who only cause me pain and misery. I'm starting to realize that now that I'm in college, I can easily forgot about the people from Jersey who used to do this. Before, I couldn't escape their judgement and snide remarks, but now I can clearly tell them to fuck off when necessary. Still, I can't help but think about the people who have gone off to different colleges or are still in North Brunswick.

Emotions: Why do I feel this way? Why does this matter so much to me? Last night, I just randomly started crying in front of a bunch of people. Someone who I considered a good friend did something. He betrayed me, destroyed what friendship we ever had, and never even explained it to me. I couldn't understand for what reason he would do it, but he did. I couldn't believe that someone like him would ever just ignore me like that. But I can't thank the people around me enough for wiping away the tears and staying with me the entire night. Your Lady Gaga danceoff was greatly appreciated <3

Boys: OBVIOUSLY. It's because I have a vagina. I'm naturally inclined to think about boys. Cute boys, ugly boys, stupid boys. Lately it seems like I only come across ugly/stupid boys, but I guess I make do with what I have. Every once in a while there are ones that I have a clear interest in, but of course that never really works out. I wish I had some game.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Day Three: Eights ways to win your heart

In no particular order...

Sing me a song. It doesn't have to be original, but it just is ridiculously romantic to hear someone sing to you. A ukulele accompaniment makes it oh so much better.

Putting a lot of thought into a hangout. If it's something besides just going to dinner and watching a movie. It could just be watching a Flight of the Conchords marathon, but it would mean so much because it's one of my favorite shows.

An amazing sense of humor. If someone can deal with my racist and pedophile jokes, as well as dish some amazingly witty remarks every once in a while, then I would be in love.

Having things in common. As cheesy as that sounds, I just love talking about the randomest things till three in the morning. Never running out of things to talk about is quite possibly the one thing I look for in a soulmate. I hate it when awkward people genuinely enjoy the terrible conversations we're having because they don't know otherwise.

Cuddling. I didn't realize how much I liked doing this until recently. Feeling the warmth of someone else is just so enticing and relaxing. Ahh, I needs me a boyfriend.

Expressing feelings. Gosh. I can't get over how oblivious I am to things sometimes. I can never tell when someone has an interest in me, and that clearly works in my favor all the time =P I feel like it's been too long since a guy has actually told me he liked me as more than a friend.

Having an accent. DJfkdsajfdkl;ajfdlksfdsajkl. I jizzed. In. My pants.

Material goods. What can I say? I love gifts =D

Now, I doubt that anyone would really care to know how to win me over romantically, but the challenge forced me to do it! Gosh, who knew these things could be so embarrassing?? But alas, it is 6:00am, and I have not slept since 2:00pm the day before. I think I'll start doing my work now.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Day Two: 9 things about yourself

I'm proud of my super smooth legs... when I shave them =D

I don't understand why a guy would think I'm pretty, but I wish one would tell me that every day.

I sprained my pinky toe recently when some fat bitch curb stomped on it.

I have a lot of fun attempting to corrupt innocent people.

I'm not good at playing bass and act like I don't care, but I really want to be able to learn music theory and actually be good at it.

I eat the adult gummy vitamins.

I understand nothing about Economics and already feel like I'm failing my classes. I need to stop this dreaded feeling of sinking.

I want there to be someone who wouldn't mind staying in on a Saturday with me, so I wouldn't have to go out every night.

I'm extremely self-conscious about everything I do. I can't stop thinking about how I look, how I convey myself to others, how other people see me. It's like a disease. I just want the voices to stop, but they constantly surround me.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Day One: 10 things you want to say to ten different people right now

We basically did a crash course in becoming best friends, but you have no idea how happy you've made me. I was so afraid that everyone was going to hate me, that I would never have any real friends in Cornell. Clearly, I don't think that anymore, and I have you to thank for it. Whether it's talking about farts, poop, or watching DVD's, I feel like life is never a dull moment with our conversations. We practically hang out every single day, and as much as I annoy you, I think you think we're good friends too. I really hope that I can tell you someday how much you've made an impact on me.

I really am not a whore. I was looking for someone like you all along, and I'm really upset that I made such a horrible impression on you. I wish I could take things back.

I'm sorry I disappointed you. You think of me as this perfect little girl, and I promised you that I would never do anything to hurt you. Lately, I feel like that's all I ever do. You were so happy that I called you to say how I've been, but that was quite possibly the smallest amount of effort I could've given. I never want to hurt you or make you think lowly of me, but I only exhibit behavior that would make you feel this way. I feel like I die a little bit inside because of this. I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be.

You're quite possibly one of the funniest bitches I know. Seriously, everything you do makes me laugh hysterically. Asking me to make you noodles and falling asleep in my bed when I'm not there just makes me love you so much more. I hope we never have to part, even if we don't live on the same floor next year.

Can you really not see how much I genuinely like you? I forgot how it was to have a small little crush, this feeling of giddiness, just from talking to someone. You only called me cute once, and have proceeded to ignore me after this incident. I want to know if you still think that way, or if I'm just keeping my hopes up for nothing. I want nothing more than for you to like me, but I'd much rather know now that you don't feel that way at all.

I would so hate you if you weren't so gosh darn likable. Hahah, as weird as this sounds, I envy you too much. You're gorgeous, skinny, hilarious, caring, and effortlessly chic. You get all the guys without putting in any effort, and everyone approaches you first. Even the friends who have known me longer all flock to you. But you're so relatable, so sweet, and I feel like you think we're great friends. I can't help but adore you and want to be best friends with you. I hope you know how much I love your randomness and your notable quoteables =)

Goddammit, how many times can I say no? Seriously, you practically dragged me to make out with you, and you did actually drag me to stay. I kept trying to get away, but you just wouldn't let me. I definitely wouldn't mind being friends, but you're making it pretty hard on me. I wanted nothing but to be nice to everyone, but now I seem like a skanky bitch to at least three people now. Thanks a lot.

You are quite possibly one of the craziest partiers I know, and it's both good and bad. I love hanging out with you and talking to you about the randomest things. But I feel like a loser whenever I don't want to go out with you. I think a lot of the times that I could definitely just stay at home and be perfectly content, but when you ask me to go out, I feel like I have no choice. I just can't resist your partying ways. I resent you and love you for it. But I definitely like you more than anything else. You're quite possibly my closest girl friend since I've gotten here, and I absolutely appreciate it.

What's wrong with you? I can't believe you would do something like this to me. It's so minor, and yet so fucked up. I don't understand why you think it was necessary to do that. I thought we were good friends, best friends, and you can't even give me that. I slightly hate you right now. I'll wait a few days to make sure I'm not overreacting, but you really hurt me.

I'm sorry. For everything. You deserve so much better than me. You tell me you're infatuated with me every day, that I'm perfect, downright wonderful. But I'm not. I'm a horrible person. I can't trust you. For all I know you could be having raucous sex with every girl you encounter, or you could really be waiting for me this entire time. The fear of not knowing makes me anxious, and I can't wait for someone who I'm not sure about.

I think that was ten.. If not, then I fail miserably at life. But nothing else is new =)

The Challenge

As I'm in my Bio class and CLEARLY can't focus on actually taking notes, I decided to update the blog. It's been pretty hard trying to maintain and update things about my life, but I think I have a solution. The ten day challenge. Yes yes, this is definitely only for tumblr people, but I decided that instead of writing ridiculously long posts once a month, I could do this every day for a little while and perhaps make things a bit more interesting. So, let's go for it =D

10 day challenge.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.