Failure: It's only two weeks into the school year, and I already feel as though I'm going to have a really difficult time in a few of my classes. A lot of my friends seem to be doing just fine, so it's especially hard for me when it just seems like I'm the only one not getting it. I think about what would happen if I flunk a class, out of the college, ending up as a homeless person because my parents are too ashamed of their failure of a child.
Happiness: There are certain moments where I truly and genuinely am happy. Whenever I'm more upset than usual, I try to think about a specific moment in which I felt that way. I can look back fondly and appreciate what I have.
Appearance: I'm extremely superficial, and it always gets the best of me. I need to appear my best in front of others. I can't leave my room with no shower, no makeup, no nice clothes. I have to constantly attempt to impress others, and I feel like an ugly hag when I do actually look like a bum and someone sees me. I want to crawl into a hole. I feel like it's a really unhealthy obsession, but I can't really stop. I need to make sure my fat isn't poking out of my jeans, that my bangs haven't separated in an awkward position.
Friendship: I think about the friends with whom I want to keep in contact, who actually care about me. I want to cut out the assholes who only cause me pain and misery. I'm starting to realize that now that I'm in college, I can easily forgot about the people from Jersey who used to do this. Before, I couldn't escape their judgement and snide remarks, but now I can clearly tell them to fuck off when necessary. Still, I can't help but think about the people who have gone off to different colleges or are still in North Brunswick.
Emotions: Why do I feel this way? Why does this matter so much to me? Last night, I just randomly started crying in front of a bunch of people. Someone who I considered a good friend did something. He betrayed me, destroyed what friendship we ever had, and never even explained it to me. I couldn't understand for what reason he would do it, but he did. I couldn't believe that someone like him would ever just ignore me like that. But I can't thank the people around me enough for wiping away the tears and staying with me the entire night. Your Lady Gaga danceoff was greatly appreciated <3
Boys: OBVIOUSLY. It's because I have a vagina. I'm naturally inclined to think about boys. Cute boys, ugly boys, stupid boys. Lately it seems like I only come across ugly/stupid boys, but I guess I make do with what I have. Every once in a while there are ones that I have a clear interest in, but of course that never really works out. I wish I had some game.